Tag Archives: Hell

Wanting What You Can’t Have

I’m reading this truly inspirational book, Women Food and God by Geneen Roth, and I’m finding something on each page to blog about. Seriously. Has anyone else read it yet?

I’ve struggled with my body image ever since I can remember and it seems I’ve been on a downward spiral about my looks for a while now. I picked up this book to, hopefully, help with that. It turns out that this book is about so much more than eating and weight and body image…especially if you’re looking.

One particular passage reads: “Hell is the lack of connection between the thought that she wants to eat the entire cake and the reality that eating the cake would send her into a diabetic coma. It’s not her eating that is killing her, it’s her refusal to accept her situation.” Now, I don’t have a problem with wanting to eat an entire cake. But I do have days where I would like a different situation. It’s true.

Days when Olivia accidentally pees on the couch and then throws her poopy diaper down the stairs only to have me step in it and then throws her macaroni and cheese all over the floor because it’s too hot and the dogs are barking incessantly because I’m not right there to let them in and Matty’s crying because he doesn’t like whatever’s on his plate and Gabe’s complaining that I didn’t cuddle with him long enough before bed and Matt’s been gone the entire day. Days like that. Where I want to be anywhere but my kitchen dealing with all of this crap. Days when if I had a genie in a bottle I’d use all 3 wishes to take the Cri du Chat away so she’d use the potty like a normal 9-year-old and eat her damn mac and cheese. Days when I just want normal. I don’t want stares, I don’t want questions, I don’t want another doctor appointment, I don’t want her to be who she is. And those days ARE absolute hell. To get caught up in that line of thinking is absolutely miserable. Because guess what? There’s no genie. She’s not going to be “fixed”. My life is not going to be “normal”.

But you know what else?

I’m ok with that. I have my day in Hell and then I get over it. I don’t dwell on the fact that my life is the way it is. Because can you imagine how awful it would be to spend every day wishing your life was different? That is Hell…and who would want that?

Here’s hoping today’s a normal day…and not a day in Hell.