Category Archives: Uncategorized

My Girl

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This girl has my whole heart. If you are a parent, you know what I mean. If you are a parent of a child with special needs, you really know what I mean. I don’t know who I’d be without being her mother. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

She is pure joy personified. This summer has been such a wonderful reminder for me that I want to live more like she does. She is the happiest person I know. She doesn’t judge. She doesn’t hold grudges. She isn’t spiteful. She just loves.

We went out west for two weeks and then Florida for a week. She was so great. But, like all of us after we travel a lot, she was so very happy to be home. It’s her favorite place in the whole world. She hangs out in her room, with a sheet over her like a fort, plays her iPad while she listens to the director’s commentary on a movie playing on her T.V. She lines up all of her stuffed animals friends and plays with them and talks to them. She likes to take them and hide them under her fitted sheet and then take them back out again.

I used to get so upset that she didn’t have friends to play with, that all she liked to do was be in her room. But now? I get it. I get her. This is where she feels safe, loved and happy. Her stuffed animals ARE her friends. She loves them and gets upset when she can’t find the one she’s looking for. She loves to play with them. She enjoys being alone knowing we are right downstairs. She is happy. What else is there?

I think we should all try to live more like Olivia. She doesn’t worry about her weight, her looks or anything. She lives in the moment. She is happy with who she is exactly the way she is right now. She doesn’t apologize for who she is or feel bad because she’s “not normal”. She’s the happiest person I know and I, for one, am going to strive to be more like her in every way possible.

 

 

I Need This

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My BFF told me she missed my blog the other day.

You do? I asked.

Yes! I love your writing. You have important things to say.

I do? I asked.

Yes! You’re so good at it. You have a gift. You’re inspiring. You need to share that.

I am? I do? I am? I should? I asked.

YES!!!

I am constantly doubting myself in everything. I’m 41 and I still don’t think I’m good enough. Especially at this. I have been needing and wanting to write but every time I sit down I have too much to say and I don’t think I’m going to say it right so I just don’t. But when your BFF and your therapist tell you that you should, you listen.

So here I am. I’m going to make sure I set a little time away for myself to write each week. Maybe multiple times each week, we’ll see.

Things have been so up and down for me. The mental recovery from cancer is not easy. Getting used to this new body while recovering from an eating disorder is not easy. Parenting teenagers is not easy. Parenting a teenager with special needs is not easy. Being a teacher is not easy.

You know what is easy?

Summer. Being married to my best friend. Having three children who are my sun and moon. Reading. Going on vacation. Making Olivia smile with pure joy. Swimming. Binge watching shows. Taking naps. Spending time with my friends. Long bike rides. Lifting weights. Manicures. Ice cream. Listening to Matthew tell stories and making me laugh. Watching Gabe become a man. Being loved.

So for right now, I’m focusing on what’s easy. I’m remembering to enjoy and love each moment that I am so blessed to have. And I’m writing. For me. If it’s not good enough, so be it. I just need this.

 

 

Summer Reading I

I am so sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted! Where does the time go??? I hope you enjoy these suggestions…

A Man Called Ove by Fredrick Backman

This book is wonderful. It is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. You will LOVE it. I’ve been on the waiting list for almost 6 months and it was totally worth the wait. It is also now in my top five favorite books of all time!

Ove is an older man (I think he’s around 60 but he seems much older!) who is “taciturn” and grumpy. (I put that in quotes because it’s in the book a few times…I’ve never used it on my own before!) His beloved (so beloved it will break your heart) wife has died and he is on a mission to take his own life to be with her. Every day he plans a new method of suicide, but every day his plan is somehow foiled. Ove is such a unique, wonderful and lovable character. Every one of us knows an Ove and can relate to his depth of pain and love for his wife. Ove slowly but surely realizes that life is definitely worth living. Please, please read this book!

 

The Birth House by Ami Mckay

I liked this book enough to read the whole thing, but overall I’d give it a B: better than some, not the best. It is the story of Dora Rare who lives in a small island town in Nova Scotia during World War I. She has been trained as a midwife and healer. The setting is unique and the characters were fairly interesting. I liked the ending quite a bit too.

 

Dead Certain by Adam Mitzner

Ella Broden is the main character that, instead of pursuing her dream career of singing, has followed the safer path of becoming a lawyer just like her father. She is very close with her younger sister, Charlotte, a writer. When Charlotte goes missing, Ella is determined to find out exactly what happened to her precious sister. This was a quick, fun read with a great ending that you probably won’t see coming.

 

A Criminal Defense by William L. Myers

A young reporter is found dead and the main character, Mick McFarland, is hired as an attorney for his longtime friend who is accused of the murder. This is a very twisty, unique book that I really enjoyed. I can’t tell you much more!

 

The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule

Those of you who know me well know that I am obsessed with true crime. My all-time favorite podcast, My Favorite Murder, talks about this book and Ann Rule all of the time so I figured I would probably like it too. I loved it! You will only like it if you enjoy reading about true crime. It’s about Ted Bundy and it’s pretty gruesome, of course, because it’s about his murders. I didn’t realize that Rule was really good friends with him for years. It was fascinating to read this first-hand tale.

 

The Girls by Emma Cline

I didn’t like the ending of this book at all…but I did find the story interesting enough to read the whole thing. Evie is a teenager in the 60’s in a small town in California. She’s lonely and bored and becomes enthralled with a group of girls, hence the title. What she doesn’t realize at first is that these girls are in a dangerous cult. She quickly becomes wrapped up in their ways and even on the fringe of some of their more dangerous escapades. It’s a good book but I was disappointed in the ending.

 

The Second Mrs. Hockaday by Susan Rivers

I couldn’t finish it. It is written in the Civil War era and the whole story is told in letters back and forth. They are written in the language of the time and you don’t know who wrote it until the end of the (very long) letter so it’s somewhat confusing. I just couldn’t get into it. But if Civil War stuff is your thing, you might like it!

 

This is How it Always is by Laurie Frankel

I loved this book. It was a quick, easy, interesting read with intriguing characters and a great storyline. Claude is born into a family of five boys and feels as though he is supposed to be a girl. The family helps him transition into a girl but keeps his biological identity a secret when they move to a new town. It’s basically a story of a family who thinks they are doing the right thing and are doing what they can to protect their child. It’s very relevant and heart-wrenching in parts. I highly recommend it.

 

The River At Night by Erica Ferencik

I was so disappointed in this book. It was billed as super scary and I was very excited to be scared. It wasn’t scary to me at all! I read the whole thing thinking the scary part was coming and it never did. Maybe I’m not easily scared? I’m not sure. Basically, four best friends go on a white water rafting trip in the middle of nowhere in Maine and get stranded. Sounds great and super scary, right? Nope. Not to me! If you’re easily scared, you might like it, but I was mostly bored and waiting for the good stuff to happen.

 

Behind Closed Doors by A. Paris

This was a great book. It was very creepy and different and quick to read. I couldn’t put it down because I just had to know how it ended! I thought the ending was perfect and exactly as it should be. Grace meets the man of her dreams. He’s gorgeous, wealthy and loves her sister, who happens to have Down Syndrome. He is the perfect catch. OR IS HE???? You will love this book.

I’m not sure what I’m going to read next. It will be hard to fill Ove’s place! What are you reading this summer?

Read Me!

Here are some great ( and not so great!) books I’ve read lately for you to enjoy.

Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult

Everyone in America should read this book. Honestly. I had no idea what it was about but I love Jodi so I figured it would be awesome. It was. An African-American nurse is accused of murdering a white supremacist’s baby. Right?!?!? Jodi writes in her usual style of alternating between points of view from the nurse, the white supremacist and the nurse’s lawyer, who is a white woman. Jodi accomplished, with me anyway, what she set out to do with this book: open our eyes to racism in America. Not blatant racism shown by the white supremacist but everyday racism that we don’t even realize exists and happens all the time. It really explains and identifies exactly what “white privilege” means. Plus the story itself is very, very intriguing and interesting. Please go read this book!

The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware

I was really excited for this book because I got the title off of a list of suspenseful thrillers. It was not that great. I skimmed a lot of it because it was one of those books that would have been much better had it been about 200 pages shorter. The story itself wasn’t the problem; it was that it was buried under way too many details. The main character, Lo, has managed to get herself a job reporting on a deluxe cruise ship for her magazine. She sees a girl disappear on the ship and won’t let it go ever when someone is trying to make her stop. There are twists and turns that are a bit ridiculous but interesting nonetheless. But it will take you a L-O-N-G boring time to get to the good stuff. The author also made the main character quite an idiot. She drinks too much, takes too many pills and doesn’t act very professional. If you decide to give it a go, skim until the last third of the book where it gets good.

The Couple Next Door by Shari Lapena

This was another off of that thriller list. I really enjoyed this one. The main couple has just had their baby stolen. They went over to their neighbor’s house for dinner and left the baby at home but checked on her every half hour. When they come home around one in the morning, the baby is gone. The investigation heats up and you find out what really happened quite early in the book. The rest of the book explores the fallout from the tragedy. It’s really good but it was a little disappointing to find out the big piece of information so early!

Vanishing Girls by Lauren Oliver

This one was very good and kept me guessing until the very end. Nick and Dara are sisters and best friends. Dara goes missing and Nick is on a mission to do whatever it takes to find her. A little girl in their town has also gone missing and Nick wonders if they’re connected. It’s a quick read and will provide you with twists and intrigue until the very end. Highly recommend this one!

Before I Go To Sleep by S.J. Watson

This is a funny story. My BFF texts me and says “you have to read this!” So, of course, I get it from the library right away and start reading it. It seems really familiar. I text my BFF “Did I read this already?” and she doesn’t think so because she kind of keeps track of my books on my blog. But I swear, as I’m reading it, I can see the scenes in my mind and I know what’s going to happen. So I look it up on Amazon and it’s a movie and I’ve seen it!!! It was hilarious because I couldn’t figure it out! Anyway, the story is very good and super exciting but only if you haven’t seen the movie! If you’ve seen the movie, don’t bother because you already know all of the plot twists which make the story amazing!

And When She Was Good by Laura Lippman

This was one of my favorites. Helen is the main character; she’s a suburban mom who also happens to be a madame in D.C. She has a terribly tragic past that she’s bound and determined to keep a secret. She will do anything to protect her son from the truth. But will she be able to? It’s very suspenseful, with many different plot layers and an exciting ending that you won’t see coming. It’s awesome!

Books I started but couldn’t finish:

I’ve decided life is just too short to keep reading a book that doesn’t hold my interest. Here are a few I started but just couldn’t finish. And amazon.com reviewers agreed with me! (When a book is really long, and I’m not sure I want to keep reading, I head to Amazon and read the reviews!)

Night School by Lee Child —so sad because I love Jack Reacher books but I just couldn’t get into it. Bummer. Hopefully, his next one is better.

Second Glance by Jodi Picoult —one of my favorite authors but the story was too far-fetched and I felt like I already knew what was going to happen.

Side Effects May Vary by Julie Murphy — started out good (teenage girl gets cancer and then is in remission) but then took a turn that I didn’t like. Said teenage girl goes on a revenge binge when she thinks she’s going to die and then has to face the music when she doesn’t. She’s not likeable either.

The End of Alice by A.M. Homes — way too creepy for me. And that’s saying something because I love creepy. It’s about pedophilia and told from the perspective of two pedophiles and I just couldn’t stomach it.

If you’ve read anything great lately, or not so great, please share!

 

 

Sometimes You Cry Uncle

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I haven’t seen this big smile that goes all the way to his eyes in a while. I miss it terribly.

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Matthew’s been having a really rough time. He’s in therapy and it’s helping, but he’s still having a really hard time.

He’s terrified that I’m going to get cancer again and die. And it’s really hurting him.

My heart is breaking for him.

Today was one of those days where he just couldn’t handle it. He woke up this morning and you could tell he had been thinking about it all night, dreamt about it maybe, and just couldn’t shake it. Luckily, the stars aligned and I had a snow day today. I made an executive decision that Matthew could stay home with me today. I called his therapist and she had a cancellation. So Matthew and I went to see Lego Batman. He smiled and laughed and my heart lifted a little. I got him his favorites from Panera. He went to therapy and I went with him. We hugged a lot. We talked a bit. It’s very hard for him to put it into words. I think it’s hard for him to talk to me because he doesn’t want to make me feel bad.

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Do you ever have moments of parenting where you’re sure you should be saying something profound but you’re also sure you’re going to say the wrong thing and completely screw the whole thing up? I hope I didn’t today. I told him there are days when you have to power through and there are days when you cry uncle. And today was a cry uncle day. I told him that I’m scared too. That Dad is. That Amma is. That Amy is. That lots of people are scared of cancer coming back. But I told him it’s really unlikely. I told him that if it does I will fight like hell to beat it. I told him that when I get really scared, and it threatens to overwhelm me and consume me, I remind myself that I don’t want to miss out on today because I’m worried what might happen tomorrow. He is, unfortunately (or fortunately, however you want to look at it) learning that life is not fair. That life can really suck sometimes. But that you have to find inner strength and keep going.

I don’t know if I’ve said the right thing. I can only hope that something will stick and help. I hope I’ve shown him by example what it means to be strong. I hope I’ve let him know that I understand and completely get it like no one else. I hope he knows how incredibly loved he is and how thankful I am to be his mother.

I hope. And I’ll continue to hope. Forever.

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Bittersweet 16

Olivia turns 16 on Monday.

16.

And I am very sad.

I think it hit me when Gabe went to the dance last weekend with two girls that were elementary playmates of Olivia. One was even the first one to invite Olivia to a birthday party. They both asked about Olivia and said to tell her hi.

But then they got to go out, have dinner with boys, go to a dance with friends, hang out after and have a fun-filled evening. And all I could think of was that my girl should be getting to do all that too. She should be getting her license, having her first kiss, going to basketball games with friends, studying for tests, getting mad at me over clothes, all of the things that 16-year-old girls are supposed to do.

But she’s not.

So I’m sad.

I know I shouldn’t be. She’s healthy, she’s happy, she’s beautiful. But I am. And I’m going to let myself be for a little bit.

But then I’m going to stop being sad because she’s healthy, she’s happy, she’s beautiful. She’s going to spend her birthday in the most perfect way possible: a day off of school, wearing pjs, playing on her ipad while watching a movie and being with her stuffed animal friends.

I’m going to enjoy the fact that my 16-year-old daughter would rather be with me than anyone else. The other day she told me “Mom? You’re my plus one.” (She heard it in a movie but I’ll take it!) Her face lights up at a day in pjs, hanging out with me and Matt. She’s so happy when she’s at home and with her family. She’s getting a special doll handmade by my mother-in-law for her birthday and our whole family is anxiously awaiting her excited reaction because it’s all she’s talked about for months. She woke up today and excitedly said: “It’s my birthday party today, isn’t it?!!!” She’s having a giant Oreo cake made by my sister. Her favorite people in the whole world will be here to celebrate with her. I’ll probably let her wear cute pjs to her party because let’s face it, it makes her the happiest. She is loved so much. She loves us so deeply.

SHE is happy. So I will be happy too. And it will be a sweet 16 indeed.

Happy Birthday, Olivia. I love you more than you will ever know!!!

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Shadow Girl

There are times when I see her so clearly, I think she might be real.

I’ll be sitting next to one of my best friends, watching her daughter cheer at half time, discussing just how beautiful and awesome her daughter is, and I see her so clearly. My shadow girl. My beautiful, awesome, self-assured almost 16-year-old daughter out there too. Her long brown hair is in a ponytail with those ridiculously large cheerleading bows; she has gorgeous just-got-out-of-braces teeth, long legs and a smile that lights up the room; she is self-assured, confident and amazing. She’s catching the eye of a boy in the stands she’s been talking to for a while; she’s giggling in between cheers with her best friend.

Other times, I’m sitting with my BFF, listening to her daughter tell us about musical tryouts, or coming home sweaty from soccer practice, or talking about Project Runway or laughing with Gabe and I’ll see her again. My shadow girl. I can see her so clearly I could cry. She’s rolling her eyes at me, she’s punching Gabe on the arm making fun of me with him, she’s talking about how she might get to play varsity this weekend, she and Gabe are counting down the days until they get their licenses and thinking about summer jobs.

Other times, Matt and I are out to the movies and I’ll see a group of teenage girls and she’s there. My shadow girl. She’s getting popcorn and a Coke and checking her phone and laughing with her friends and finding the perfect seat for the movie. They’re talking about that teacher that drives them crazy, that cute boy who just moved into town, what they’re going to do for spring break.

Many times, I’ll be teaching my class and she’s there. My shadow girl. She’s the quiet, but not too quiet, one at the back who always does her homework, participates in class, says hello and thank you and smiles. She’s polite, funny, smart and involved in school. She’s one of those students you just wish you could clone because they’re so awesome and make teaching so fun and worthwhile.

She’s sitting next to me on the couch watching This Is Us and crying along with me at all the sentimental parts. She’s letting me paint her nails and then she paints mine. We’re going shopping. We’re raiding each other’s closet. We’re sitting in the living room reading books. We’re talking about politics and celebrities and college. She’s telling me about this boy she likes. She’s sharing stories about her friends.

She’s there. She’s everywhere. But she’s nowhere.And as much as I am head over heels in love with my daughter, I would give anything to meet that shadow girl.

 

 

 

Podcast Pile-Up!

Ok, you guys…I am OBSESSED with podcasts. I listen to them on the way to and from work (about a 25 minute drive each way), when I workout (if I’m not in the mood for my usual gangsta rap), when I walk and basically anytime I can! If you are new to podcasts, I thought I’d share my favorites. I’ve tried to put them in categories. And don’t judge me…I LOVE true crime.

Just for Fun Podcasts

The Longest Shortest Time — about parenting; hit or miss with topics; sometimes I love the topic, sometimes I don’t even listen due to the topic; they have a wide range of topics so if you are in the baby stage, some of these will be right up your alley; if you’re a parent to teens, others will be, etc. They’ve had some really fascinating episodes regarding sex, LGBT parenting/adoption and just plain old parenting.

Call Your Girlfriend — two “long-distance besties” hanging out and chatting; Aminatou and Anne are the besties; they talk about EVERYTHING under the sun; they are feminists; anti-“Ivanka’s Dad” as they call him; funny, charming and lovable.

Reply All — a techie podcast but don’t be scared because they do the coolest and most interesting technology stories; the hosts are two guys (PJ and Alex…and PJ has the BEST laugh, IMO); they do a wide range of stories where some are funny and some are sad and others just plain fascinating; one of my favorites was about a couple who bought a house and it ended up being the epicenter of a cell tower and they couldn’t get any reception or Internet or anything for over a year…and no one could figure out what the problem was; they do some investigative reporting which is cool too.

Pop Culture Happy Hour — about pop culture; hit or miss for me as it depends on if the topic is something I’m interested in; for example, if it’s an episode all about Star Wars, I’m out, but if it’s about the new Gilmore Girls, I’m in! They do a roundtable discussion of whatever topic they’re discussing.

TED Radio Hour — TED talks but on the radio (you all know what those are, right?); these are hit or miss too depending on the topic; typically they are really interesting even if it’s not something you would normally care about.

This American Life — one of my all-time faves; hosted by Ira Glass (who is awesome and funny); each week is a different topic about…American life…and they have several stories all pertaining to that topic. I’m never disappointed!

Who? Weekly — this is one of my two absolute favorites!!! I just love this one. Lindsey and Bobby talk about “whos”: basically B-list and below celebrities. They are HILARIOUS and I laugh out loud every episode. They are catty, silly, judgmental and funny, but it’s ok because they’re talking about “whos”! Seriously funny and I say “yeah!” out loud every time a new one pops up on my feed!

Celebrity/Important People Interviews

Here’s The Thing with Alec Baldwin —Alec Baldwin interviews someone important or a celebrity; hit or miss depending on who it is; I enjoy Alec’s voice and earnest interview style. It’s interesting and definitely depends on the guest.

How to Be Amazing with Michael Ian Black — I like this one better than Baldwin’s because I think Black is a better interviewer. He is a natural! I’ll typically listen to this one even if I’m not super interested in the guest, or don’t know who they are, because his interviews are very interesting. He will have A-list celebrities like Al Roker or Megan Mulally along with Tim Gunn and author Harlan Coben. His guests are diverse and you find out all sorts of interesting stories about them. You’ll also fall in love with Black too!

True Crime 

These are my absolute 100% favorite type of podcasts, books, shows, etc. I am slightly obsessed with true crime. If you’re not, you can skip all of these!

Sword and Scale — very disturbing and definitely only for avid true crime fans who can handle this type of true crime story; they hold back no details; I’ve only listened to a few episodes and I find them fascinating. They take a different topic or murder each week and just tell you all the gory details.

Someone Knows Something —this is an investigative reporting story told over many episodes; the season I’m listening to right now is about a Canadian woman who went missing in 1998 and they are now trying to figure out what happened to her. It’s awesome and very well-done. Plus, it’s Canadian so it’s fun to hear their accents!

Detective — this doesn’t come out on a regular basis; they take a different topic each season and tell the story over multiple episodes; the one season I’ve listened to so far was about a retired detective; he told stories about his cases and career. Not at the top of my list, but I do enjoy it.

Criminal —quick, 30-minute episodes about something criminal; sometimes it’s a murderer, or a robber or a money-launderer; they mix it up but the common theme is it’s something criminal; it’s investigative story-telling; I really like this one.

Serial — please tell me you’ve heard of this? It was really popular two years ago when it investigated the murder of a young girl in the Boston area; her ex-boyfriend, Adnan, was convicted of her murder but the host, Sara Koenig, basically re-investigates the case through the episodes. The second season was about Bowe Bergdahl who went AWOL in Iraq while serving in the army. Again, it was investigative over the many episodes. Season 1 was so good I couldn’t wait for new episodes and I listened to three other podcasts at the time who were discussing Serial the podcast. (Yes a podcast about a podcast!) Season 2 was OK but not as exciting or interesting as the first.

And last, but definitely not least, because IT’S MY FAVORITE, FAVORITE, FAVORITE:

My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark —Please tell me SOMEONE out there is a MURDERINO???? Yes, it’s all about murder. Each week Karen and Georgia choose one of their “favorite murders” and discuss it. That’s it! It’s so simple, yet so fascinating, and the main reason it’s so good is because of Karen and Georgia. They are hilarious, endearing and enjoyable. I feel like they would be my best friends if I knew them in real life. They are low-key, they swear A LOT (which I enjoy) and are so damn funny. Plus, you get to hear about some fascinating murders!

Are there any podcasts you listen to and love that you want to share?

 

 

Happy This Week

I’m a little late so happy last week…but still!

We joined a new gym and last week I tried a yoga class and swam laps. They both felt so good and doing something different was awesome for me.

My friend, Michelle, and I tried a cardio drumming class at another gym. It was amazing! You dance and bang on a “drum” and get an awesome workout. I can’t wait to go back.

I got my haircut last week. I always love catching up with my hair stylist, Christy, and getting a trim. I would follow her anywhere!

My dear friend, Kim, and I got manicures and pedicures together. I just love spending time with her and getting pampered. Shout out to her husband who treated us both! Kim is one of those friends that I always wish I spent more time with. I love her!

I love listening to podcasts (post on that coming this week!). I have several that I like so much I get excited when the little “1” pops up on the app telling me there’s a new one.

One of my students who has done N-O-T-H-I-N-G all year and has not uttered a single word (for real…and, yes, I’ve talked to her counselor and parents multiple times) ASKED ME FOR HELP THIS WEEK! I seriously wanted to hug her and make a big deal but I knew that would only make her shut up forever so I just answered her question and kept going but inside I was screaming with joy. That little thing kept my spirits up ALL WEEK! She still hasn’t done any homework but she’s at least trying during class. I’ll take it.

Last, but not least, we got a SNOW DAY this week! There is nothing better than that!

What made you happy this week?

 

My Black Heart

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Something I’ve really been struggling with lately is my bitterness. I’ve been joking to my BFF that my heart is now black.

I’m a positive, genuinely happy person but, lately, my thoughts turn to bitterness.

This isn’t fair.

How much more can one person take?

Why me?

Jealousy. Envy.

No sympathy.

Feeling lonely and alone.

These are not my normal responses to adversity. Not at all. But I think sometimes a person just gets so overwhelmed by life that they just feel like they can’t take any more. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately.

Having a child with severe special needs is hard.

Recovering from cancer is hard.

Being a child of divorce, even as an adult, is hard.

Marriage can be hard at times.

Strained family relationships are hard.

Parenting teenagers is hard.

Being a teacher, especially right now, is hard.

Suspecting your 11-year-old son has depression and watching him suffer while trying to figure out how best to help him is hard.

Trying to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, teacher, friend, sister is hard.

Recovering from an eating disorder is hard.

Taking care of yourself when life has other ideas is hard.

So I get overwhelmed. I get down. I feel like I have a black heart. I get mad at other people’s successes and rewards. I get mad that other people have it easier. I get angry with the world.

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But that’s not me and I know it. Deep in my soul, I’m a positive, happy person. So today I choose joy. I choose really, really hard. I let myself feel the blackness and then I talk myself out of it. I remind myself of my three miracles that I get to raise and love every day.  I remind myself that I chose an amazing man to be my husband and father to my children. My Mom is young, alive and amazing. My BFF is my person. My students smile at me every day. My friends are there for me and make me light up inside. I have a strong body that is here and alive. I am healthy. I have so much goodness in my life it’s really unbelievable.

So I choose to see stars in the darkness. I choose joy. Be gone, black heart, be gone.

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