The Darkness

quote 1

The darkness threatens to overwhelm me. It whispers terrible things in my ear.

You are a terrible mother. Matt doesn’t love you. Your Mom doesn’t like you. The kids wish you weren’t their mom. You annoy your best friend. You’re fat. You’re old. You’re ugly. You’re not a good teacher anymore. You don’t deserve to be happy. Stay here in the darkness with me. Stay in bed. Be quiet, be sad, be in the darkness with me.

Don’t tell anyone because they will laugh at you. They will blow it off. They won’t understand anyway. They will be annoyed that you are not ok yet again. They will worry, they will want to fix it, but there’s nothing they can do. Just stay here with me in the darkness.

Put a smile on your face. Very few will notice that it doesn’t reach your eyes. Go to work, go to the gym, take kids to soccer, make dinner, pretend everything’s ok. No one cares anyway. No one really wants to know how you are.

The darkness threatens to overwhelm me. I’m tired of fighting it. It’s too much, it’s too hard. I feel like there’s a thousand pound weight on my shoulders. I cry. I get angry. I lash out. I say things I don’t mean. I cry some more. I’m all cried out. It feels weird to laugh. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to be alone.

quote 2

Get help. Tell Matt how you’re feeling — all of it. Go to therapy and tell her the truth. See a doctor. You can’t do this alone. You need help and that’s ok. You don’t know what will help or what you need but you can just tell someone…I’m not ok. Ask for a hug. Ask for a walk. Take a day off and do nothing. Rest, write, read, do whatever you feel like to help yourself. The darkness won’t last forever. Listen to P!nk’s I Am Here and know that you are here for a reason. YOU. ARE. HERE. You deserve to be here. You deserve to take up space even if you can’t see it right now.

This is not your fault. This is not happening because you are weak. It’s happening because you’ve been so strong for too long. Reach out your hand. Borrow a smile until yours comes back. You’re worth it. You’re a warrior. YOU. ARE. HERE. You can do this. You will feel better. The darkness will subside. It will. You can.

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5 responses to “The Darkness

  1. It’s happening because you’ve been so strong for too long. Love that line! So heartbreakingly true!

  2. You are an amazing strong and wonderful person who Has lifted all of us up 1 million times. No we are here in the background fighting for you even though we don’t get to see each other as much as we did. We love you and care about you and you are such an important person in all of our lives even if we don’t tell tell you often enough. You are stronger than almost anyone I know and I know you can keep up the fight with all of us were years behind you. Many many hugs ❤️

  3. As someone who has lived with depression for most of her life, I get it. You are not alone and it’s so hard, everyday is a struggle for so many of us. But you are a beautiful light amongst the darkness and I know you can’t see that right now but that is the price we sometimes pay for living for others for far too long. You carry the weight of so many lives on your shoulders and in your heart. You are amazingly strong and resilient and you will find your way as you always do. Don’t lock it away, speak it free and let it go. Remove it from your energy field and never be afraid to speak your truth, it is a part of your journey. Sending you Love and Strength in your hour of need. My prayers are with you.

  4. Sweetheart, I wish I could give you a hug. I completely understand. More than I can possibly say. Email me if you ever, ever need an ear.

  5. Oh my word…you are amazing! Just learning more about you as I let myself wander, skip, and jump around social media. Your words ring true for so many, myself included. Thanks for being so honest and sharing! On a side note, I did my best to campaign for you as Teacher of the Year, but I don’t think admin really looks to parents for their input on that. Lol. You are here for a reason – you impact so many!!! We are blessed to have you in our lives. 🙂

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