My Black Heart

armor

Something I’ve really been struggling with lately is my bitterness. I’ve been joking to my BFF that my heart is now black.

I’m a positive, genuinely happy person but, lately, my thoughts turn to bitterness.

This isn’t fair.

How much more can one person take?

Why me?

Jealousy. Envy.

No sympathy.

Feeling lonely and alone.

These are not my normal responses to adversity. Not at all. But I think sometimes a person just gets so overwhelmed by life that they just feel like they can’t take any more. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately.

Having a child with severe special needs is hard.

Recovering from cancer is hard.

Being a child of divorce, even as an adult, is hard.

Marriage can be hard at times.

Strained family relationships are hard.

Parenting teenagers is hard.

Being a teacher, especially right now, is hard.

Suspecting your 11-year-old son has depression and watching him suffer while trying to figure out how best to help him is hard.

Trying to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, teacher, friend, sister is hard.

Recovering from an eating disorder is hard.

Taking care of yourself when life has other ideas is hard.

So I get overwhelmed. I get down. I feel like I have a black heart. I get mad at other people’s successes and rewards. I get mad that other people have it easier. I get angry with the world.

be-soft

But that’s not me and I know it. Deep in my soul, I’m a positive, happy person. So today I choose joy. I choose really, really hard. I let myself feel the blackness and then I talk myself out of it. I remind myself of my three miracles that I get to raise and love every day.  I remind myself that I chose an amazing man to be my husband and father to my children. My Mom is young, alive and amazing. My BFF is my person. My students smile at me every day. My friends are there for me and make me light up inside. I have a strong body that is here and alive. I am healthy. I have so much goodness in my life it’s really unbelievable.

So I choose to see stars in the darkness. I choose joy. Be gone, black heart, be gone.

sunflower

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One response to “My Black Heart

  1. Excellent post! I feel exactly this same way many days myself…I admire your courage in the face of adversity! I try to remind myself every day how blessed I am as well! Thanks for posting this…It is nice to know that I am not alone.

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