Before I write today, I just wanted to say that I’ve missed you so. I’ve discovered that I really miss writing and interacting with you all. I’m going to make a more concerted effort to devote more of my time to this space. It means so much to me and it helps me and, I hope, sometimes it helps you. Thank you for hanging in there with me.
I see your face and I know you’re not ok. I know you, remember? You’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders right now and it’s too heavy. I see you. My heart hurts for you. I am here for you.
I know sometimes you keep things from me because I have a daughter with special needs and I had cancer and everyone’s favorite saying is “Well at least it’s not cancer!” but I’m here to tell you that’s bullshit. Everyone has their worries. Everyone has their pain. There is no worse pain or “better” pain. Pain is pain. And you are in pain and I can see it.
Did you read that carefully? Go back and read it again. When you think about it in terms of happy, it’s ridiculous to think you can’t be sad because someone else might have it worse, isn’t it? Do you think for one second that I ever think “what she’s sad about is stupid”? No. Never. Because there are so many things in the world that can make us sad, overwhelmed, frustrated and everyone feels their own pain for their own reasons. Any pain that you feel is not minor. It’s YOUR pain and it’s important.
I know we are always trying to be everything for everyone. We’re perfectionists. We love deeply and we want to make sure everyone knows that we love them and care for them and are there for them. We’re trying to be the best wife, mother, sister, teacher, friend that we can be. All the time. Every day. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I will tell you this: there are times when you have to feel and be sad and let someone else take care of you. It’s not easy to do. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s necessary.
Here’s what I want you to do. Cry. Cry. Cry. Scream into a pillow. Cry some more. Feel sad. Feel blue. Be in a funk for as long as you need. Talk to whoever will listen. Talk to someone who’s JUST going to listen and not try to solve the problem. Do something that gives you comfort. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Sometimes all I do is put on my favorite ratty sweatshirt from college and make a cup of coffee and cry. Do WHATEVER you need to do to give your soul some comfort right now because you need it. Don’t fight it. Fighting your feelings and telling yourself you shouldn’t be sad will just make it worse. So what if you’re sad for a day, a week, a month? So what if you’re in a funk for a bit. Just don’t make that your permanent residence, ok? But stay as long as you need and then pick up your sword and fight again.
Did you read that? You’ll be ok. You will. Just not today. You’re not ok today and it’s F-I-N-E. Feel it. Give into it.
There have been many, many days when I struggled just to get out of bed. Some days I just stayed there. I gave into it. Other days I pulled a “fake it til you make it” and managed to have a good day. Sometimes I bought myself a Starbucks because that was the only thing I could think of that would help. Other times I called you. Or texted you. Or asked for an extra hug. Or made an appointment to get my nails done. Or vegged on Netflix. I did whatever it took to make me feel better in that moment. But did you read that carefully? I did whatever it took to make ME feel better. I had to be selfish. I had to not feel guilty about my pain or what I needed. I just took care of me.
So, please, feel your pain. Don’t fight it. Ask for comfort if that helps you. Stay in bed all day if that will help you. You’re not ok right now and that’s ok.
You will be ok. I promise. And remember that I’m here for you and I love you. You feel deeply, you love deeply and that’s what makes you amazing. So go ahead. Feel it.