Having cancer is a weird and crazy ride. Just when I think I’m doing really well, BAM!, something hits me that messes with my head for a while. I’m starting to wonder if I’m ever going to stop thinking that every ache and pain is cancer returning. I suppose that’s totally normal but I’m pretty sure I’m driving Matt crazy. I’m hesitant to say I’ve beaten it or call myself a survivor because I’m afraid to jinx myself. I’ve figured out that I’m not going to go back to “normal” or who I was before and that’s ok. But it’s still scary.
I also feel a lot of pressure from myself, not anyone else, to do something big now that I’m done with treatment. Lots of women start charities or write books or something else huge after they’ve battled cancer. Should I do that? Is that the point of me getting cancer? To do something huge with my life? To help others in a major way? The Little Pink Houses of Hope organization is starting this new campaign called “Look at me now!” where you post the amazing things you’re doing after you’ve finished treatment. I think it’s a wonderful idea but, again, the pressure! What am I doing to do now? I’ve been driving myself insane thinking about this.
You know what I’ve decided? I am going to do something major. Not major as in changing the world major, but major in my world. I’m going to live in the moment. I’m going to finally let go of my eating disorder. I’m going to feel great about myself. I’m going to enjoy my family. I’m going to appreciate the small things. I’m going to love my family to pieces and enjoy every minute I am lucky enough to be with them. I’m not wasting any more time worrying about my weight or if I’m doing enough with my life. I’m going to try really hard to not worry about getting cancer again. I’m going to live healthily and exercise and be happy. For anyone who knows me intimately, you know this is huge for me. I’m enough just the way I am and that’s going to be my “look at me now”. I am going to take care of myself and, most importantly, love myself.
What do you think about that?