The Grossest Poop Story Ever Told

Because it’s summer…and I love this story…and it makes me laugh!

The water in our Maine campground was so warm that it felt like a bathtub. Olivia has a really difficult time pooping…unless she’s in really warm water. She often poops in the bathtub at home because she’s so relaxed. Luckily, we have these really awesome washable swim diapers that hold everything in. And she wears two.

But still.

The first three days she pooped right as we were getting ready to head back to our camper. So we’d head back plop her in our tiny little camper bathtub and clean her up. The worst part about those washable diapers is that they don’t rip on the sides…you have to pull them down like underwear. So poop goes everywhere. It’s disgusting.

The fourth day we were there, we had just arrived to swim and Matt looked at me and said “Either Olivia just pooped or she grew testicles.” I looked and, sure enough, there was something poking out of her suit. We had just gotten there! Matt said it looked hard so just take her to the campground bathroom that was just a few feet away. “It shouldn’t be too messy if we can see it, right?” he said.

I trudge her over to the campground bathroom, get her into the stall and see what we’ve got. Let me just tell you that shit was everywhere. It wasn’t just the one we could see. It was all over the seat, the sides of the toilet, Olivia and the floor. And of course the floor was wet because swimmers were coming in wet and using it all day so the poop just spread.

Everywhere.

I was in a total panic. Someone was going to come in and see this and freak out and send us home to Ohio. I just knew it! I’m frantically trying to figure out how to clean this shit up. And what on Earth am I supposed to do with Olivia? Luckily there was also a shower in this bathroom, so I picked up my gorgeous, shit-covered daughter and put her in the shower. Luckily, she loves the shower and so she sat there nicely and kept telling me happily, “The water is SOOOOOO warm!”

Meanwhile, I’m looking around trying to figure out how to clean this up. Thank goodness the bathroom had paper towels and not just those hand drying machines. I grab the paper towels that are the consistency of a tissue and start mopping up all the poop on the floor. Because I’m in such a panic, I’m not thinking clearly, so I’m just mopping up and throwing my discarded towels in the toilet.

Did you read that? I WAS THROWING THE PAPER TOWELS IN THE TINY, BARELY-CAN-FLUSH TOILET!

As I’m walking over to get more paper towels about halfway through the clean-up, because the floor is wet and shit-covered and I’m wearing flip-flops, I fall and do the splits. On the public bathroom, shit-covered floor. It was one of those moments where you feel like you just want to either burst into tears or into Tom Hanks’ Money Pit laugh. I did neither. I got up and finished cleaning up.

I finally stop to take a breath and in walks a fellow camper. I say “Don’t go in that first stall! My daughter had an accident and I’m still cleaning it up!!!” She smiles and says “Oh boy. I’ve been there!” and because I’m beside myself I think “I bet it wasn’t an 11-year-old’s poop though!”

Big difference.

So after I collect myself for a second, I realize what I’ve done. I’ve put about 50 paper towels in the toilet. Obviously, it’s not going to flush. I’m so embarrassed that I don’t even think for a second to just go tell the campground people what happened. In my state, I am convinced we’re going to be banned from the pool and possibly even the campground.

So I reach in.

I take clump after clump of shit covered paper towels and dump them in the garbage. Which of course makes another mess all over the floor that I have to clean up. I finally breathe a sigh of relief, wash my hands for twenty minutes in scalding hot water, and go back to the toilet to flush it.

But guess what? The turd that looked like testicles? It’s so big it won’t flush down.

At this point I’ve invested so much time and energy and lost all of my pride, that I’m not going to give up now. So I reach in, break it up, and flush it down.

I know.

I scald my hands and wash furiously again but I don’t think at this point I’ll ever feel clean again.

I wash Olivia’s diapers and suit out and her body, get her all put back together, collect myself and head back to the pool.

We walk back to the water, Olivia jumps in happily and Matt looks at me and says…

“What took you so long?”