Sometimes I Forget

In the midst of this crazy life, when the laundry is piling up, when the floors need to be cleaned, when I just want to crawl in bed and be done for the day, I sometimes forget. I go to get you ready for bed and your room is destroyed, again, you’ve made a mess in the bathroom, you’ve torn apart your bed and I feel like I’m going to lose it. I want to scream, I want to yell, I want you to just be a normal 14-year-old who doesn’t do things like this every single day. I want you to get yourself ready for bed, I want you to clean up your room, I want you to know better than to destroy it in the first place. It’s easy to get tired and worn out and wish things were different. I always want you to be different on those really frustrating days.

But that’s not fair. You’re not typical. You’re my Olivia. And sometimes I forget just how far you’ve come.

Even though it’s not easy, when I stop on those frustrating days, and take a deep breath, and close my eyes, I can remember just how far you’ve come. I remind myself just how lucky I am to have you. I think about all of the wonderful and positive things you’ve brought to our lives. I think about how much joy and love you add to our lives. I think about all of the good things and feel bad that sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I forget that most kids with your syndrome are nonverbal and we are so lucky that you talk so well. Even when you say “What the hell?” and “God **(n it!” and “You’re a moron!” I should be thankful for each word you are able to say.

Sometimes I forget that you didn’t walk for a really long time and I should be glad that you can walk to the bathroom and make a mess. I should be thankful that you can walk around your room and destroy it.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have a 14-year-old daughter who still thinks I walk on water. Who wants to be with me over anyone else. Who still kisses and hugs and tells me she loves me constantly. I mean how many 14-year-old girls do you know like that?

Sometimes I forget that you are happy and content with exactly how your life is right now and it doesn’t need to be changed.

Sometimes I forget just how much joy and love you have brought to our lives and how thankful I am for every second I get to be your mother.