Cancer Chronicles V: Whirlwind

When I think back to the innocuous day in January, (was it only two months ago??) when I innocently went to my yearly check-up with my OB/GYN, and left with a newly found lump in my breast that was almost guaranteed to be nothing, to now, where I sit with a deformed breast still healing from surgery, a surgically implanted port that hurts like hell to help me get through 26 chemo treatments and at least as many blood draws, I almost can’t believe my life. How did this happen? How will I get through this? Why hasn’t the world stopped turning?

Waiting for results was horrible. Waiting for surgery was awful. Recovering from surgery was painful. Waiting for results from surgery was excruciating. Waiting to hear what my treatment plan would be was terrible. Hearing my treatment plan was a punch in the gut. Waiting for my first chemo treatment and port surgery was horrendous. Waiting to see how I would feel after chemo was brutal. Recovering from my chemo treatment was no fun and realizing I have to do it all again in three days and 11 more times this round kind of makes me want to crawl in a hole and stay there until March 2016.

And that’s just me. Matt has been to hell and back and it’s not even close to being over. I can’t imagine what it’s like for him because I would be a mess if he were going through this. We both keep saying we’re so very thankful that it’s not one of the kids. The kids are worried but doing OK. Kids are so resilient, aren’t they? The guilt I feel is overwhelming although I’m getting used to it and getting better about letting it go. I have to. I have to be selfish right now. This may be the hardest part over the next year…being selfish and taking care of me first. Because I have to. I have to rest when I need to, I have to bow out of obligations when I must, I have to do whatever I can to make myself feel better in every way that I can. It’s not easy after a lifetime of always putting others first.

My first chemo treatment went well. I was surprised at how bad my port hurts right now. Thank goodness my friend warned me or else I would have been worried. It gets better each day, thankfully. I slept through most of my first treatment which was nice. I was still a little loopy from my surgery in the morning and then they give you a pre-chemo cocktail that makes you really drowsy. Probably helps with the nerves too. I’ve been so very tired, nauseous, have a terrible taste in my mouth and in some pain. But I’m hanging in there. I’m going to work today and I’m looking forward to it. I’m not sure how I’m going to keep up with everything for work but I’m just going to do my best. That’s all I can do, right?

To say it’s been a whirlwind is an understatement. Our whole lives have been completely turned upside down. But we are making it work, we are managing and we are doing it one day at a time. The best part? We are so overwhelmed, in a good way, with love and support. That has been the best silver lining of all.