When I first found out I had cancer, I just assumed the hardest part would be the physical part. You know…chemo, radiation, surgery, all that. I have no doubt that it will be painful and immensely unenjoyable. That’s pretty much guaranteed.
There are so many thoughts and blog posts in my head about all of this, I don’t even know where to start.
I was ill-prepared for how mentally difficult this journey would be. Ever since my doctor found the lump, I have been a mental mess. I am distracted, I am disoriented, I am sad, I am angry, I am scared, I am a little bit of a mess. On top of all of the appointments and phone calls and paperwork and research, there are three little people I am very worried about. Is Matthew quieter than usual? Is it because of me? Is Gabe a little more ornery than usual? Is Olivia acting out because of me? And my husband. And my Mom. And my BFF. I see their worried faces and all I can think is that all of this is my fault. I hate putting that look on their faces. I hate missing school and having my students worry about me. I hate having cancer.
Everyone in my life has been so supportive and wonderful. It’s honestly unreal. My friends, family and students have set up meals, sold and bought t-shirts, painted and decorated my room, sent me cards and presents and texts. The support and love has been overwhelming and humbling. I am so lucky to have all of these wonderful people in my life. I don’t know how I’ll ever thank them enough or give all of this love back in return.
My surgery is Thursday. I am scared of what they’ll find. I’m scared of how much time I’ll miss from work. I’m scared of what I will look like after surgery. I’m scared and scared and scared. It’s a struggle, honestly, to get up and go to work every day and keep trudging on. I pretty much would like to sleep for the next year until this is all over. It’s too much and too scary and too exhausting. But I will keep getting up and making myself go to work and get through my day. I have to. But I was not prepared for how mentally difficult this would be. I’m hoping once everything gets started, and we have some semblance of a routine and normalcy, I’ll feel better. We’ll all feel better. At least I hope so.
I know this is a mess of a post but that’s where my head is at right now. I have so many feelings and so much to say and I don’t know how to say it. All I know is I can do this. I will. I have to.