Cancer Chronicles II: Mentally Tough

When I first found out I had cancer, I just assumed the hardest part would be the physical part. You know…chemo, radiation, surgery, all that. I have no doubt that it will be painful and immensely unenjoyable. That’s pretty much guaranteed.

There are so many thoughts and blog posts in my head about all of this, I don’t even know where to start.

I was ill-prepared for how mentally difficult this journey would be. Ever since my doctor found the lump, I have been a mental mess. I am distracted, I am disoriented, I am sad, I am angry, I am scared, I am a little bit of a mess. On top of all of the appointments and phone calls and paperwork and research, there are three little people I am very worried about. Is Matthew quieter than usual? Is it because of me? Is Gabe a little more ornery than usual? Is Olivia acting out because of me? And my husband. And my Mom. And my BFF. I see their worried faces and all I can think is that all of this is my fault. I hate putting that look on their faces. I hate missing school and having my students worry about me. I hate having cancer.

Everyone in my life has been so supportive and wonderful. It’s honestly unreal. My friends, family and students have set up meals, sold and bought t-shirts, painted and decorated my room, sent me cards and presents and texts. The support and love has been overwhelming and humbling. I am so lucky to have all of these wonderful people in my life. I don’t know how I’ll ever thank them enough or give all of this love back in return.

My surgery is Thursday. I am scared of what they’ll find. I’m scared of how much time I’ll miss from work. I’m scared of what I will look like after surgery. I’m scared and scared and scared. It’s a struggle, honestly, to get up and go to work every day and keep trudging on. I pretty much would like to sleep for the next year until this is all over. It’s too much and too scary and too exhausting. But I will keep getting up and making myself go to work and get through my day. I have to. But I was not prepared for how mentally difficult this would be. I’m hoping once everything gets started, and we have some semblance of a routine and normalcy, I’ll feel better. We’ll all feel better. At least I hope so.

I know this is a mess of a post but that’s where my head is at right now. I have so many feelings and so much to say and I don’t know how to say it. All I know is I can do this. I will. I have to.

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7 responses to “Cancer Chronicles II: Mentally Tough

  1. Love you. You can and you will. Even today reading your post about being tired and scared, you are making me feel stronger and like I can handle what is going on in my life. You are a wonderful writer. Thank you for sharing this journey.

  2. You will get through this, Tiffany. Sending love and hugs and support. xo

  3. Dearest, Tiffany. I love you and your family as if I’ve always been a part of your lives. You have always amazed me with your energy, humor, athleticism and love for your family. These attributes will keep you strong in the days, months and years ahead. Cancer is beatable and I’m confident no matter what the surigical results bring, you will beat this and be even more resilient and strong. Let all of us take care of you through this journey. Love you!!
    Your “stepmom” Jole’

  4. You’re dealing with an incredibly scary and stressful situation, and it’s okay to be “kind of a mess.” Hell, it’s even okay to be a “helluva mess,” but you are strong and have so many people behind you. Hopefully they will be able to prop you up and give you the support you need to get through this. Certainly sounds like that, and it’s because you’re such an amazing, kind, generous person that people want to give back. Extra white light going out to you on Thursday.

  5. Praying for you my friend. I had stage 1 cervical cancer at 21 years old and still did not have a good grip on life nor did I understand the gravity of Cancer. I can only imagine how you are feeling, if I know anyone that is the epitome of strong it is you. You give inspiration to so many of us it’s time to pour all that great energy into yourself, your mindset and your body. You got this! Allow yourself to feel and let it all out. Positive thoughts and energy for you and your family. Much Love.

  6. So many thoughts, so many prayers – all about you. Get your Katniss on and beat this thing. (to be followed by mockingjay whistle). You take care of you!

  7. Thinking of & praying for you all day today. I so know that, “Wake Me Up When It’s All Over” (cue the music) feeling. But guilt is for things we did on purpose or negligently, and this is none of that. All the best to you – love, strength, resiliency and peace.

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