Just Write

***Linking up with Heather of the EO today in her Just Write series…***

Some days I just can’t get out of my head. It’s a sickness, really. On good days I can get out of it and enjoy the day and feel like me. On most days, I spend half of my time running around in circles of I-suck-I-can’t-It’s-too-much-I’m-awful-I’m-hideous-I-am-tired-I-can’t-do-this and the other half feeling just fine. Usually because I’m so busy and distracted to be able to spend time in that circle. And then there are days when I’m totally in my mind-fuck circle of bad thoughts and bad self-image and it’s impossible to get out. I’m convinced that I’m an awful person, that I don’t deserve what I have, that I’m hard to love, that it’s a wonder I have anything in this world, and on top of everything else, I should never leave the house for how I look, and I definitely don’t deserve of the people who love me. It’s so bad on those days that I can’t breathe.

If you could be inside of my head on those bad, bad days, this is what it’s like.

Usually one of the kids snaps me out of it. How can you stay in a bad headspace when there is a sweet, lovable face in front of you asking you to play a game, or jump on the trampoline or carve pumpkins? You can’t. And you don’t want them to ever think that it’s them that causes you sadness or overwhelmedness because it’s NEVER them. It’s all you and your thoughts.

Once Matt reminds me (kindly sometimes and not so kindly other times) that it’s all in my head, that I’m playing tricks on myself, that I am NONE of those things, or when the kids remind me how lucky I am, or when a friend sends a text at just the right time, I get out of my head. I look around and I see four smiling faces. I see love. I see blessings. I see my life. And it’s good. So, so good.