**Linking up with Just Write today…join in!**
Sometimes I feel so worthless it makes me sad. Like if I just disappeared no one would really care. Rationally I know this isn’t true, but nonetheless sometimes it feels true.
Sometimes I can’t stand myself from head to toe. I hate my hair, my face, my body, my feet, my clothes, my fingernails. Everything. I just want to stay under the covers all day and pretend I’m not here. It’s been a while since I’ve looked in the mirror and thought “Heck yeah! I look awesome” and that hurts me deeply. I try so hard to like myself, to be kind to myself, but frankly, I suck at it. I guess after decades of self-hate, it’s difficult to overcome. I should be kinder to myself about being kinder to myself…ha! My therapist tells me to work on self-love. I suck at it. I don’t even know where to start.
I have no control over Olivia. She doesn’t listen to me and there are times, like this past weekend, where all I do is yell. Which makes me filled with rage and guilt and sadness, which makes me want to shut down, shut everyone out, get under the ocvers and go to sleep. I feel out of control and helpless and I hate that feeling. Being her parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But also the most rewarding. Every day is an emotional roller coaster between the two.
I feel like I suck. At everything. What if I suck at my new job? I’m excited but anxious. I just want to get everything done and be ready so I can start.
I don’t know what I’d do without Matt. He is my other half. Truly.
I love the kids so much it hurts. I look at them, hug them and smile.
Perspective. Life is good…even if sometimes it certainly doesn’t feel that way.