Just Write

**Linking up with Just Write today…join in!**

Sometimes I feel so worthless it makes me sad. Like if I just disappeared no one would really care. Rationally I know this isn’t true, but nonetheless sometimes it feels true.

Sometimes I can’t stand myself from head to toe. I hate my hair, my face, my body, my feet, my clothes, my fingernails. Everything. I just want to stay under the covers all day and pretend I’m not here. It’s been a while since I’ve looked in the mirror and thought “Heck yeah! I look awesome” and that hurts me deeply. I try so hard to like myself, to be kind to myself, but frankly, I suck at it. I guess after decades of self-hate, it’s difficult to overcome. I should be kinder to myself about being kinder to myself…ha! My therapist tells me to work on self-love. I suck at it. I don’t even know where to start.

I have no control over Olivia. She doesn’t listen to me and there are times, like this past weekend, where all I do is yell. Which makes me filled with rage and guilt and sadness, which makes me want to shut down, shut everyone out, get under the ocvers and go to sleep. I feel out of control and helpless and I hate that feeling. Being her parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But also the most rewarding. Every day is an emotional roller coaster between the two.

I feel like I suck. At everything. What if I suck at my new job? I’m excited but anxious. I just want to get everything done and be ready so I can start.

I don’t know what I’d do without Matt. He is my other half. Truly.

I love the kids so much it hurts. I look at them, hug them and smile.

Perspective. Life is good…even if sometimes it certainly doesn’t feel that way.

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7 responses to “Just Write

  1. You don’t suck at all! Amidst all that you do for your family, you still make time to be a great friend. To soooo many people. It is hard to love yourself some days. On those days, remember how much I love you. How much your family and other friends love you. Let that hold you up on those days :o)

  2. It’s so hard to live trapped in our own brains. I know that statement didn’t make too much sense, but somehow I know you understand. Hope you’re feeling better today.

    • Tiffany Townsend

      I am always trapped in my own brain and desperately trying to get out! Have a great day!!Tiffanywww.elastamom.com

  3. Thank you for this very honest and transparent post. I think its good to explore these thoughts and know you’re not alone in having them. You totally matter! I always think that the biggest lie we’re told (or impressed to think about ourselves) is actually the opposite of who we really are, the opposite of what the truth really is. Praying for you on your journey to peace with who you are.

    (By the way I missed you when you disappeared from blogland while you were on your vacation 🙂

  4. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time! Keep working on the self-love…it’s worth the battle 🙂

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