Conversations with Myself

Negative emotions are like unwelcome guests. Just because they show up on our doorsteps doesn’t mean they have a right to stay.

— Deepak Chopra

I went to therapy last week for the first time in ages (due to insurance issues) and a weird thing happened.

I felt like I didn’t need to be there.

I loved talking to my therapist, don’t get me wrong, but the whole time I was there I just kept thinking “I am so good. I don’t think I need this anymore.”

I think what happened was she gave me a good foundation for dealing with myself…I stopped eating foods that I thought were healthy but were making me feel like crap…and I got over it. I think I had just had it with myself and, being without therapy for months on end, I had to just deal with it myself. I think I just got plain old tired of feeling like crap inside and out.

The biggest change for me? I started being nice to myself. Every time I had a negative thought, I acknowledged it, because fighting it down just made it worse, and showed that negative thought the door. And told it not to let the door hit it on the way out. And you know what? It worked.

Do I still have negative thoughts? Of course. Do I still wish my body, face, hair, whatever looked better sometimes? You betcha. But the difference is that it’s not constant and I don’t let them in. I let them go. I don’t believe them. I don’t invite them in for a cup of coffee and nurture them. I kick them out on their ass.

I’ve also learned that typically when these thoughts worm their way in, there’s a reason. Almost always, if I’m honest, it means that I need a break. I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, drained. And my tired brain, after years and years of doing it, automatically returns to the negative thoughts. In a sick way, my negative thoughts were a comfort over the years. When I couldn’t count on anything, I sure could count on them to be there. I was afraid to let them go. But not anymore.

You know what else I’ve learned about myself? I look better when I feel better. Don’t they always say confidence is sexy? I think they’re right. When I catch myself not feeling 100%, I remind myself that if I think I look good then…I do look good. It seems so simple, but yet it’s life changing. Truly. And, damn it, I take really good care of myself. I do look good.

Am I saying I’ll never need therapy again? No way. I think it’s helpful and important. But I’m really proud of where I’m at today and how far I’ve come. I’m kind to myself, I like myself and I think I can do anything.