**Linking up for the first time in ages with Heather of the EO for Just Write today…I needed it. To just flow.**
There are times when I feel so overwhelmed by being a mother that I can’t breathe. I feel like there’s no end to this parenting gig, especially when you have a child with special needs. Am I doing enough? Is she progressing enough? What will happen when she gets older? What will happen to her when I die? She desperately needs some more independence from me, but I make her so happy, so who cares? But how is she going to navigate junior high next year when she can’t even get on the bus without me? What if they make fun of her? What if she eats lunch every day by herself? Why can’t I be more like her and not worry and just live in the moment?
And it doesn’t end with her. Sometimes I think I worry more about the boys, Gabe especially. Does he have good friends? Are they kind to him? Is he happy? Will he be ok in junior high? Will he make good choices? Will he make the team for the sports he so desperately love? Will he find his niche? Am I putting too much pressure on him or not enough? Should I leave him alone or talk to him more? Does he like me? Will he ever know how much I love him? He’s so much like me it’s scary…and I feel bad. Who wants to be like me?
And Matthew. Do I give him enough? Did I listen to him today? Does he get enough attention? Is he ok? Will he be a good friend? He’s not a natural with Olivia like Gabe is…should I be worried? No, because Gabe is abnormally good and Matthew is normal. Right? Will he do well in school? Will he be ok being the only one at the school next year?
And don’t even get me started on the two of them and being brothers of a sister with special needs. Do they resent her? Do they adore her? Can you feel both? Do they think I’m too invested in her and not enough in them? Do they understand me? Her? Us? Do they have feelings about it they need to talk about and they don’t or can’t? Should I take them to counseling even though they seem ok? How will Gabe navigate junior high with Liv next year? Will it be ok?
Do I yell too much? Not enough? Do they know how much I love them? Do they realize that everything I do, I do for them? Should we work on homework and piano more or just play more? Does everyone feel this way or just me? I put my heart and soul in this mothering job…do they know? Will they look back and remember that I was a good Mom? That I loved them dearly and devoted my every ounce of being to them? Just someone tell me that I’m doing ok and that they will be ok or I might burst. I just want them to be good people who are happy with good lives. That’s it. I’m doing enough, right?