**Linking up with MamaKat today: This week’s prompts are inspired by the One Word resolutions submitted in a previous Writer’s Workshop. Choose a word and let it inspire a blog post! I chose #4: Acceptance.
So here’s the thing…I’ve been feeling like crap for a very long time. And by crap I mean emotionally annihilated. I haven’t felt like myself in years. I’ve tried medicine and therapy and don’t even bother to tell me to exercise and eat right. I’ve been exercising 6 days a week for years and I eat super healthy. And still I feel like crap.
You want to know why? Me too.
I know and admit I have depression and OCD personality disorder. (P.S. That’s not easy for me to say out loud. Aren’t you proud of me?) I’m working on both of those and the medicine helps. It really does. But I just am so frustrated that I don’t feel like I used to. Depression is so hard to explain to those who don’t have it. I love my life, I’m happy, I feel blessed and lucky but yet there are days when it’s all I can do to get out of bed. Truly. Many days I marvel at my strength (and I know that sounds like I’m tutoring my own horn but oh well) that I’m able to get up, workout, shower, look nice, work all day, take care of my family and not go lose my mind. It’s very difficult a lot of the days to just function. But I do because I have to. But it’s exhausting.
I’m finally accepting that I’m not OK, that it’s OK to admit it and that it’s more than OK that I focus on myself for once and try to get to a place where I feel good and like myself. I am restarting therapy, even if it costs me a fortune. (You can thank my stupid insurance for the last 5 months of no therapy because I, for one, can’t afford $200 a session and there was no way in hell I was starting over with a new therapist!) Therapy was really helping. I need it. I desperately need a new teaching job. The one I have now is slowly killing my spirit. I’m working on that too. I’m also following The Plan. I am amazed by what I’m finding out about my body through this study in food. It’s not a diet. I actually feel really good about my body right now. I’m not doing it to lose weight at all. I’m doing it because I think there’s something wrong with me physically that’s affecting my emotional state. My doctors listen to me, and run tests, but they all come back fine. But I know my body and I know something’s going on. So even though it will be much extra work, and Matt thinks I’m a little cuckoo, I’m following The Plan to see if it helps me. I’ll do anything to feel better at this point.
It’s hard for me to accept that I’m not perfect and, no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to be. It’s hard for me to accept that’s something’s wrong. It’s hard for me to accept that it’s OK for me to do this for myself.
But I am accepting it and helping myself and I will feel better soon.