Acceptance

**Linking up with MamaKat today: This week’s prompts are inspired by the One Word resolutions submitted in a previous Writer’s Workshop. Choose a word and let it inspire a blog post! I chose #4: Acceptance.

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So here’s the thing…I’ve been feeling like crap for a very long time. And by crap I mean emotionally annihilated. I haven’t felt like myself in years. I’ve tried medicine and therapy and don’t even bother to tell me to exercise and eat right. I’ve been exercising 6 days a week for years and I eat super healthy. And still I feel like crap.

You want to know why? Me too.

I know and admit I have depression and OCD personality disorder. (P.S. That’s not easy for me to say out loud. Aren’t you proud of me?) I’m working on both of those and the medicine helps. It really does. But I just am so frustrated that I don’t feel like I used to. Depression is so hard to explain to those who don’t have it. I love my life, I’m happy, I feel blessed and lucky but yet there are days when it’s all I can do to get out of bed. Truly. Many days I marvel at my strength (and I know that sounds like I’m tutoring my own horn but oh well) that I’m able to get up, workout, shower, look nice, work all day, take care of my family and not go lose my mind. It’s very difficult a lot of the days to just function. But I do because I have to. But it’s exhausting.

I’m finally accepting that I’m not OK, that it’s OK to admit it and that it’s more than OK that I focus on myself for once and try to get to a place where I feel good and like myself. I am restarting therapy, even if it costs me a fortune. (You can thank my stupid insurance for the last 5 months of no therapy because I, for one, can’t afford $200 a session and there was no way in hell I was starting over with a new therapist!) Therapy was really helping. I need it. I desperately need a new teaching job. The one I have now is slowly killing my spirit. I’m working on that too. I’m also following The Plan. I am amazed by what I’m finding out about my body through this study in food. It’s not a diet. I actually feel really good about my body right now. I’m not doing it to lose weight at all. I’m doing it because I think there’s something wrong with me physically that’s affecting my emotional state. My doctors listen to me, and run tests, but they all come back fine. But I know my body and I know something’s going on. So even though it will be much extra work, and Matt thinks I’m a little cuckoo, I’m following The Plan to see if it helps me. I’ll do anything to feel better at this point.

It’s hard for me to accept that I’m not perfect and, no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to be. It’s hard for me to accept that’s something’s wrong. It’s hard for me to accept that it’s OK for me to do this for myself.

But I am accepting it and helping myself and I will feel better soon.

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11 responses to “Acceptance

  1. Love you. I know how you feel. Thanks for your honesty. I hope The Plan works for you. I need to look at it too. I will call you today (Bella has been home sick for 3 days). Hang in there girlfriend!

  2. You are brave…and awesome. And, I’m going to email you : )

  3. Again…I love your transparency! And again, we are very much alike 🙂 I struggle with many of the same things. I wouldn’t trade Cooper for anything but sometimes I wonder if the extra work (physically and emotionally) affects me more than I realize. I have tried lots of things too and my ex-husband would tell me I was crazy. But I think the alternative methods work better!!! Have you ever used essential oils? They really help me…to get motivated, to relax, to find some joy when I am down. Not one of us is perfect…some people are just better at hiding than others 🙂
    Take care my FB friend!!

  4. I’m in the same place. I have good days and bad. Terrible months and months where I think I finally beat it.

  5. You are a very honest, brave woman and by looking after yourself you are setting a wonderful example for all of your children.

    Be as gentle with yourself as you are with your children. You deserve that love and kindness.

    Small steps, if not one day at a time perhaps one hour at a time.

    Your brilliant, genuine writing touches hearts and gives me great hope.

  6. Always I admire your raw honesty. I don’t know if I could do that. I hope that you find yourself. I commend you for listening to your body and doing what you feel is best. You are truly amazing.

  7. It is so hard. I’m not sure I can think of a more frustrating feeling than “I know I’m not feeling right, and I want to feel better, but nothing is working.” Glad you found something new to try – you’ve gotta keep the hope alive (hope that things WILL get better – because they can!) and keep learning what works for you and what doesn’t.

    Thank you for sharing! Please keep sharing – I think it helps to know you are not alone (and you are SO not). We are all rooting for you!

  8. It is hard to make the choice to accept that something like this is okay. You’re doing it right – just keep on. You have my support! Thank you for sharing your life.

  9. I will be thinking about you as you follow the plan. Depression is difficult. And lonely. So, know you are not alone. Xoxo

  10. Oh Tiffany, how I feel you on this post. I totally agree with the teaching thing too. It’s slowly taking my soul and with both of us in this house at the same place, it’s taking it’s toll on the whole family. I have no where to escape work. Hopefully, soon all of us will be where we want in the job market. 🙂

  11. You are not alone. In fact ALOT of mothers suffer from depression the difference is alot are in denial. I have suffered from depresion my whole life and it’s very hard. You are happy but at the same time want so much more and than you feel like something is missing all at once and finally the guilt begins to build because in our minds “we should be able to control this”.
    Believe me, I get you.

    I don’t know if it’s my age but I have reached a point where I don’t want to feel this way anymore and have begun to try and break the cycle. I would love to see a therapist or counselor but I don’t have health insurance.

    Do what feels right, do what you feel you need. You must take care of yourself!

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