I feel deeply and strongly and overwhelmingly and constantly. There are days when my feelings threaten to overwhelm me…because of joy or despair. My friends and loved ones know, if you look at my face, you know how I feel. I don’t have a mask.
At times I fall into the why-me-life-is-too-hard-I-can’t-take-this-anymore despair and I feel like I won’t be able to come up for air. Why is everything so hard? Why can’t one thing in my life be easy? Why? Why? Why?
I take a deep breath. I let the pain and the anguish wash over me. I feel. I don’t fight it. Fighting it does nothing for me except delay the inevitable breakdown. So I feel it. I let the anger, the fear, the unknown, the pain, the anxiety, the bitterness wash over me like a pounding summer rain. Then I take another deep breath and let it out. The pain is behind me and, although it’s not gone, it’s diminished.
Then I let a little light in. Then more. Then more. And before I know it, I have forgotten the knives of pain and all I feel is overwhelming joy. I have everything I need. I am blessed beyond measure. I look around at my amazing husband, my marvelous children, my wonderful mother and I smile. We are healthy, we are fed, we have a roof over our heads and, most important of all, we are deeply, deeply loved. In this moment, the only one that matters, there is love. Nothing else matters.
I feel…and I’m ok with that.