Coming Back

Last week I was nervous to post this about how unlike myself I’ve been feeling lately. Every time I worry about a post like that, I think how it might help someone else to not feel so alone if they are feeling the same way. I always like to know I’m not alone. Sometimes I think it helps just to get it out too. It does.

Over the last week I can feel myself coming back to normal a little bit. I have a little more patience, I’ve laughed a few more times, I feel a little more like myself every day. It’s nice to realize I’m not totally gone. This weekend was really wonderful. And not just because it was Mother’s Day. We had a super busy, but fun, weekend and I didn’t want to retreat to my room and sleep. I was solo-parenting for most of the weekend and I wasn’t anxious or angry about it. I enjoyed it instead.

The kids and I laughed. I jumped on the trampoline. We planted flowers and went for a bike ride. We rehashed the soccer game including how I gave a Dad on the opposing team a look of death when he yelled at Gabe inappropriately. He moved away from me after that; it made me smile. Don’t mess with Mama Bear. Especially over a 4th grade soccer game. Olivia was so good this weekend it was unreal. Or maybe I just have more patience. Either way, I’m thankful.

Yesterday the boys and I went for a bike ride around the neighborhood. I found myself riding along with my boys having a nonstop conversation and laughing. Laughing and laughing and laughing. I was there. I was in the moment just soaking up my boys. Somehow we got on the topic of having kids and what they would name them. You’ll be happy to know I’m someday going to be the grandma of boys named Max and Sam and girls named Dot, Michi and Sushi. I just hope their wives are OK with those names. I was listening to them talk about the future, watching them ride their bikes and knowing that there is no other place I’d rather be.

All I know is that, even though I’m not 100%, I can feel myself slowly coming back. And that makes me so happy.

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5 responses to “Coming Back

  1. I meant to comment last week, and should have. I hate that feeling of being removed and not myself. I withdraw on a fairly regular basis and when I feel it coming on, I get filled with dread because I know it takes a lot of time and patience and space to feel normal again. I love the connected feeling that I have when I am me, and when it is gone, I miss it. Thank you for sharing that piece of you. It was so authentic and raw…and made me relate to you. I’m glad you are coming back. 🙂

  2. I’m happy for you. You deserve it!

  3. Welcome back. It really is nice when you can breathe in a moment, knowing your all there, soaking it all in.

  4. I am so in this spot too. I hate that you are feeling this way, but it does help to hear that I am not alone. What sucks the most is that to people that don’t know us or that are just looking in from the outside, they think we have the perfect life or that we are the ‘best’ moms. I think this makes it all the worst when we aren’t quite feeling up to our typical selves. I’ve had a hard time finding myself again after having Dalton. I am finally starting to feel myself. Baking/cooking always makes me feel better though and I’ve been trying to medicate with this, although I typically have my kids help too.

  5. I’m where you were… I know the sun will shine again. For today tears are not far away. Hoping your smiles and laughter keep coming and that mine return soon 🙂 xoxo

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