Lost

I am so lost. Something has kidnapped me and I am trapped under a thick sheet of glass. It’s terrible because I can see out, I can see that I am lost, held hostage, but there is nothing I can do about it. At least not anything quick.

I see myself from underneath the glass and I don’t recognize myself. My smile looks forced; it is. It doesn’t reach my eyes; there’s nothing behind it. The self I see is grouchy, tired, moody and none of those terms describe the real me. I am short-tempered, I am so angry. I am sad and melancholy and negative. I hurt. I can’t see the good around me. I really struggle to find things I’m happy about.

This is not me. I’m lost.

I want to sit in a room and primally scream at the top of my lungs. Just scream. Until I can’t scream anymore. I want to scream that IT’S ALL UNFAIR! I GOT SCREWED! I AM TIRED! I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS! I DON’T WANT TO!!! I don’t think any of those things are true, but I feel them anyway. And I want to scream because I’m mad at myself for even having those thoughts in my head. I’m 11 years in, I should know better. But maybe that’s also why I’m so angry and tired. 11 years is a long fucking time and maybe, just maybe, I should cut myself some slack.

But I don’t. I’m lost.

I think if I just was a size 2, if I had a cleaning lady, if we had more money, if I liked my job, if I had new clothes, if Matt’s job didn’t drive me crazy, if I could just go on vacation, if I could just get a pedicure, I would feel better. But it’s not true. Because I don’t feel good on the inside right now. None of those things will change that. None.

Because I’m lost.

I don’t want to play Monopoly or catch or ride bikes. I want to curl up in the fetal position, take 2 Advil P.M. and cry myself to sleep. I want to read and escape to a fantasy land where there is no worry, no stress, just sex and love. I want to get in my car and drive until I can’t keep my eyes open and see where I landed. I want anywhere but here.

Because I’m lost.

The real me, the one who’s trapped under the glass is a positive, happy person who has the patience of a saint. Where is that woman? I like who I am, I’m happy. Where is she? I love being a Mom, I love playing with my kids, I love being with my family. What happened to her?

I know she’s still here…and I’m trying to find her. I know it will take me a while and I know that eventually I’ll get her out from underneath that damn glass. I just hope everyone who loves me will still be there.

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20 responses to “Lost

  1. Tiff, I could never express myself that well but if I could I would be saying the same thing right now. I had just been thinking “fun, what’s fun?! I dont even know anymore. And my kIds,when I’m around, certainly don’t know! When did I become the boring parent and Dad become the fun parent?!!! Pisses me off!! I agree I love my kids and from the time I was little, I wanted to be a mom. Yes some say “just a mom” and I say yes but there’s no “just a” to it because I’m going to be great at it. I’m going to be the house all the kids come to play at, I’m going to have great healthy meals prepared three times a day in a clean organized home Martha Stewart would be envious of!! But none of that has happened. My kids probably don’t realize what an oven is for, as they can barely remember if I’ve ever even use it. I’m am a type A when it comes to organization but my home looks like I should be on an episode of Hoarders. How does crap pile up so fast?! How is it when I try and take ONE day off from laundry, it takes me 7 to get caught up?!! Emma’s IEP has been sitting on my desk 3 wks waiting for me to look it over and write my response back but I can’t bring myself to even look at it I don’t have the energy. How did such a happy energenic bad ass turn into such a lazy fat waste. I feel guilty for wasting a perfectly good life that I have when I hear stories like a mom of young children passing away, a good mom, a loving mom, not a lazy POS that lets her kids watch TV because i was too lazy to parent. How can someone who was so social, live somewhere for 8yrs and not have 1 good hang out friend, there when you need them friend in the area? My good friends here all have children with special needs AND they work!! All those friends I have like that would have to get on a plane to help me (& they would if I asked but I don’t,why should they have to make up for my laziness? ) Why is it your busiest friends always have time when you need it buy your “friends” who have the most free time don’t?! So I just try and start each day with the outlook that I’m going to do one thing better today then I did yesterday. I doesn’t always work out but tomorrow’s another day to start fresh and new!
    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and yesterday is the worst day you will ever have. Take care

  2. *hugs* I get it. I so get it. I think you need to go into the garage, get in your car, shut the door, and scream you’re head off. It’ll help.

  3. Good writing. Bad sitch.
    So sorry…

  4. My heart ached for you when I read this….I have been there, for a long time! Your authenticity is admirable. Most people would just put on their happy face and keep going. Or take those Advil and sleep their time away.

    But…Not you! You keep on fighting, you know the truth and you speak it out loud! Do you have someone to take the kids for a day so you can just escape for one day??? That “time out” is crucial and tends to bring you back to you somehow, if only a little at a time.

    My PCA’s who are in their 20’s take Cooper for 4 hours sometimes and they say to me ” wow, he wore me out, I am exhausted!” Whew…that feels better! No wonder I am so tired…..I am 44 and have him all the time. I get it!!!

    I am praying that today is a new day for you and that you find a piece of yourself to hold on to!!! It’s not fair…..it is HARD….Have you read “Changed By a Child”? Someone read a part of it before one of my workshops and I wanted to cry! It described my life so perfectly. A life that many who haven’t had a uniquely challenged child don’t understand. The only place I have found it is online.

    The only thing I find that helps me is to look beyond my circumstances and focus on God’s grace and my gratitude. Gratitude that the sun is shining, that I have an hour alone before the kids get up, that Cooper runs to me and plants a big wet kiss on me when he gets home from school…….

    I will be thinking of you today, we are all in this together!!!

  5. I feel the same as Jen above. I am struggling right now with the same feelings. I am lost too. The good person I feel I am at the core isn’t here anymore. I can’t seem to get out from under this meaner, more tired, less fit, impatient bitch! I loved reading this. It helps just to have your feelings expressed well. Now what to do about them?!

  6. Great post and very relatable and honest. Good luck finding your way out, around, or through. It’s different for all of us what keeps us afloat.

  7. Im bringing oa big F#$@ING hammer over this weekend and breaking some glass!!!! I hope its not safety glass…that stuff is TOUGH!!!
    You know we are here for you!

  8. This is raw and truthful. I feel your pain and will still love you in the end. Please don’t hesitate to call me, anytime. I always have wine and lots of hugs. xoxo

  9. Coping with this life is not easy. Motherhood is HARD plain and simple throw in a child with SN and it’s multiplied. I have been in a funk myself lately looking in the mirror wondering who I am, where did I go. You will find your way through this and come out on top as you always do. The truth, this is just part of life we have a up, downs and super lows but as women we always find our way back. That’s the way we were created! Hang in there!

  10. I can relate. As someone with a chronic illness that sucks the real you away, it’s hard knowing she’s there, but so far out of reach. HUGS.

    Janelle

  11. This is me. Last week, yesterday, today, probably tomorrow and next week, too. I keep telling myself I have to let that bitch inside get some air from time to time or she’ll suffocate the real me away. Right?

  12. Oh, sweetheart. I know, I’m there, too. Wherever “there” is. I keep thinking there will be that one thing that happens, that magical cure or compass. I’m finding my way, but damn it’s hard. Hugs.

  13. I wanted to send you a great big cuddle. You express yourself so beautifully and there often seems to be a bit of a mirror image to my life. Whether it be the night time needs of a teenage boy or the desire to just have a day to myself. I have been so overwhelmed lately I feel like I am not even in my own life sometimes and I would never have been able to describe it, but you did it for me.

    You know the real you is under there – remember that you are a great person and everyone who loves you will always love you and are going nowhere xxx

  14. A little late to the party, but I just wanted to wish you and all the moms here a truly happy Mothers Day. It’s never easy. So many ups and downs! This past w/e, J. was perfect as she accompanied a few of us out of town for a funeral. Got home, and the other kids (big kids who should know better!) had trashed the house instead of cleaning, the laundry was piled high, and there was water in the basement! Now since Mon., we have been getting “behavior” reports from J.’s aide and teacher – I can’t imagine her going thru a whole day so miserably – she never does that for us. I am really afraid of what they are going to recommend at her FBA Results Mtg. next week. I woke up today, and all that went thru my head was, “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” – that’s how I know a panic attack is on the way! I feel so helpless sometimes, but I know it will get better. I just wish it could STAY better.

  15. Thank you for sharing your raw, true emotions. It helps the rest of us know that we are not alone. You will get through this time… you are a strong woman and you will find a way to get out from under that glass. Sending peaceful thoughts and blessings your way that God will help you to a better place 🙂

  16. I get it. Completely.
    Sending love.
    And hoping we find our maps back to happiness.

  17. if we’re being honest, all moms can relate to this…thanks for having the courage to put it out there, most don’t or won’t!

  18. Pingback: Coming Back | Elastamom's Excerpts

  19. Not only was it courageous to share this, you rocked it in doing so! Wow, all that love of reading you do really pays off. Because not just anyone knows how to write so honestly and well versed. This was so good Tiff! It helped me connect and understand what I have been feeling myself inside. Trapped under a glass – that is enlightening.

    *hugs*

  20. Tiffany, I am sorry I am coming to this post late. Sending you strength. And know this: We have all been there. xoxo

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