Every now and then, I have a really bad Olivia’s Mom day. It usually happens when I least expect it which makes it worse. If she’s going to a birthday party, or a school event, I prepare myself for the fact that she’s different and might get overwhelmed and behave in a way that is upsetting and exhausting.
The worst ones are when I don’t see it coming. Saturday was one of those days.
We went to see Sesame Street Live with friends and my Mom and we were both so excited for it. She acted like a total pill—-crying, pinching, kicking, screaming. She was really upset, which made me really upset. Towards the end of the show I figured out that she was mad because she wanted to hug and dance with the characters. Elmo wasn’t paying attention to her and she was pissed.
It’s not important, really, what happened or why she was upset because she was fine. My Mom and I calmed her down, she enjoyed herself and it wasn’t that bad…for her. But it was one of the roughest days I’ve had in a while as far as being her Mom goes. Sometimes it just hits you. Hard.
She’s disabled. She doesn’t act like a normal 11-year-old. It’s difficult, really difficult, being her Mom sometimes. She’s exhausting. Watching the little typical 2-year-old girls dance and sing and know that, more than likely, they’ll grow up without issues, and you wish that your precious girl would have had that chance too. Then you remember that it’s not just a phase, it’s going to be like this forever, and you become despondent. At least I do. And then I have horrible guilt over these feelings. Because I love her more than anything in the world. Just the way she is. I don’t know how I’d survive without her. But the feelings are real and I felt them and it makes me feel terrible.
But it passes. It does. I get a hug from Matt and he tells me it will be ok. I cry with my friend and somehow she gets it…even though she doesn’t have a child with special needs. I hug Olivia tighter, tell her I love her and know that tomorrow will be a different day. I remind myself that it’s really ok, and probably normal, to have these feelings…it’s really ok to have a rough patch.
I love her dearly, she knows it, and that’s all that matters.