We’re driving in the car, talking about how we’re having our favorite friends over for dinner that night, deciding what we should get on our pizza.
Gabe: Aw, man, we can’t get pepperoni or sausage because they’re vegetarians, right?
Me: Yep. Cheese and veggies only.
Gabe: Dang it. I love meat.
Me: I know. Especially on pizza.
A few minutes of quiet later…
Gabe: Mom? How do you know if you’re a vegetarian?
Me: (suppresses a laugh) Well, honey, it’s a choice. You could decide tomorrow that you didn’t want to eat meat anymore. It’s up to you.
Gabe: Thank God!!!
Matt said I should have told him that you get a card at the end of 4th grade with “carnivore” or “vegetarian” on it and that’s how you know. I couldn’t be that mean to my meat-loving boy. Side note: I craved bloody, red beef the entire time I was pregnant with Gabe. Coincidence?
That same night our friends were over and all the kids were out jumping on the trampoline. Matthew comes running in, runs upstairs and then comes down in a different outfit.
Me: Matty, why are you in different clothes?
Matthew: (shouting and totally exasperated) I was jumping on the trampoline and Maya made me laugh and now there’s poop in my Charlie Brown pants!
Me: (dies laughing)
Matthew: MOM!!! IT’S NOT FUNNY!!! Don’t tell the big kids or they’ll make fun of me.
Me: I won’t say a word.
Matthew proceeds to go out to the trampoline, tell all the kids what happened, and then comes back in crying when they tease him. Didn’t I warn him??
Last Saturday we’re out to dinner and Matt and I are talking about how he might lose his job (which he did get laid off…yesterday. We’re trying to be positive.).
Matt: Well, Gabe could always be a male dancer. (winks at me and laughs)
Gabe: That would be ok with me, Dad, except I really don’t like dancing.
Matt and Me: (dies laughing)
Gabe: What? What’s so funny?
Matt: (still laughing) Male Dancers dance naked for girls!!
Gabe: (blushes furiously) Well, I wouldn’t be ok with that.
Last night my nephew earned his Eagle Scout badge and had the cord of honor ceremony. As part of the ceremony, he played the Star Spangled Banner on his saxophone. He’s played it for us before and Olivia completely freaks out. I sat by the back of the door just in case. When he was playing, she was crying, but very quietly, so we stayed in the room. When he was finished, she started wailing so we went outside. I calmed her down and then she looks up at me and says…
“I’m terrified to go in there!”
in a whisper that was so desperate it was hilarious and heart-breaking at the same time. I was selfish though and didn’t want to miss the ceremony so we went back in. She sat on my lap all cuddled up. She kept looking up at me with tears in her eyes and saying…
“Is it over? I’m terrified!”
It was really hilarious! Once the ceremony was over, they turned the lights on and there was cake and she was fine.
Seriously, what would we do without the hilarity of kids in our lives?