Bad Days

In the beginning, every day was a bad day. I got used to it. When I occasionally made it through a morning or an afternoon without crying, without wondering how in the hell I was going to survive this new and strange life that was thrust upon me, it seemed like a miracle.

Now bad days are very rare. Most days are good days with the occasional bout of “mommy grumpies” and the need for a glass of wine. But truly bad days? Very rare.

That’s why when they do happen, they hit hard.

I have had a couple in the past week. Days where I just want her to be normal. I selfishly want a day without diapers. Without the f’ing stares. Without carrying 52 lbs of dead weight around so much that my back and biceps ache at bedtime. A day when a friend stops over and asks her if she wants to go for a bike ride and she’s able. A day where she gets invited over to someone’s house to play or a sleepover. A day when I can take my eyes off her fo 5 seconds. I day where she doesn’t destroy her room. A day without pee on something. A day where I can paint her toenails and fingernails. A day of normal.

It’s the harsh truth right there.

The worst part about these days is they make me feel like the worst mother in the world. Because I love her so much it hurts, yet on these days, I want someone else. And so on top of the bad day, the worst guilt imaginable is now on my shoulders. That’s when I just want to take a couple of Tylenol PM and crawl under the covers until it goes away. It’s a terrible feeling.

Luckily these days are very rare. But man they hit hard.

I love her so much and I just have to hold on to that.

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12 responses to “Bad Days

  1. I am having a bad day too! I hate these days, but I am glad to know I am not alone. Thanks for sharing.

  2. I don’t think it makes you selfish or a bad mom…it makes you human, we all need a break, and none of us going into motherhood ever expects a non typical kid (unless you adopt one-naturally) Honestly, who wouldn’t be tired of diapers, or want to send their kid out to play? or have girl time and do nails?
    breathe in….breathe out….
    and next time someone stares at you let me know and I’ll come dropkick their ass so fast heads will spin..just sayin…

  3. Tiffany, that thing you just admitted, that thing that makes you feel deeply ashamed and selfish and ungrateful…THAT is what makes you human. And real. And able to actually see the beauty in the good days, because you’ve been to the bottom.

    I applaud your honesty and your strength. You inspire me.

  4. Tiffany, I agree with the others: This is what makes you human.
    It is amazing to me just how much Olivia sounds like Gracie. I feel your pain, and agree that it is the love that will get us through.

  5. Oh, sweet friend! I so wish you lived around the corner and I could walk over and hug you. You are human. Heck, to me, you are superhuman. I have hard days and I don’t have your mountains to climb. I try to tell myself that Bad Days are what God gives us so we can enjoy the good days more. However, some days I want to tell God that my good days are just fine and I really don’t need any help to make them better. Of course, He’s still not listening. Just know in those Bad/Tylenol PM days that you are loved by so many in more corners of this crazy world than can be counted. Instead of counting sheep, count on that!
    Lots of love,
    Traci

  6. Oh Tiffany, I am right there with you. But I don’t see anything to feel guilty about. We do the best we can, and with a child with cdc, that’s pretty extraordinary. It takes all we’ve got and then some! And I agree, it is exactly what makes the celebrations and more positive times that much sweeter. And again, I thank you for sharing it all – the good and the bad! Helps me more than you know.

  7. My Olivia hates it when I have to clean her up after an especially nasty poop. And so, because she’s whiny and fidgety, I snap, “If you’d just poop in the damned toilet, this wouldn’t be so unpleasant.”

    Talk about mommy guilt. She’s four! She has 5p-. How knows if she even knows she’s pooping until after the stupid poop is in her undies? So why do I do it? Because, like you, I’m tired of cleaning up poop and pee and mess after mess after mess. And sometimes, I just snap.

    But then, I hug her and I apologize and I try to be better. Until the next time.

    We do the best can can. It’s all anyone can ask of us.

    We love them as much and as hard as we can and we always try to do better.

  8. I love how honest you can be about how you feel about Olivia. I love that you can love her and want her to be different all in the same thought. You are not the only parent like this out there. But, you are one of the few who is able to own up to those feelings and accept them for what they are. You are an inspiration to all of us and I know that you are saving another mom in similar shoes who doesn’t know how she’ll make it through another day. You are amazing and I love you for that.

  9. Don’t let the guilt weigh heavy on your heart! I feel like woman by nature are very susceptible to guilt… and you don’t need it. It is ok to think about how things could be different or easy, we all do it and I don’t care what anyone says! Olivia thinks you are a great mom!! That is why she wanted to come in to YOUR life! You are perfect for her, even on the bad days!

  10. There is a reason why you are 1 out of 50,000… that’s what I keep telling myself! You seem like a wonderful mother!

  11. As the others have pointed out, I love your authenticity and your willingness to admit that, yes, there are bad days that hit hard. And to embrace it, write it and hit publish requires a great deal of courage. Your inspiring Tiffany and I hope you know that. xoxo

  12. I hear you. I wish I could do more than listen, but I hear you. Hugs.

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