Crushed

You’ve been frustrated lately and people have been staring and I feel crushed.

Absolutely crushed.

I feel heartbroken for you that you’ve realized that you’re different. Because that’s what I think it is. I think you’ve realized that other kids can jump and you can’t yet. You’ve realized that other kids say everything that comes in their brain, but you have a hard time. You’ve realized that the girls in your Brownie troop can do all the dance moves for the talent show dance, but you can’t.

And it pisses you off. As it should.

But me? It crushes me. To the core.

I love you more than anything in the universe; but I hate Cri du Chat sometimes. When I’m crushed, I want it to go away. I want you to have the entire 5th chromosome so that you can do all the things your heart desires. I hate it that you’ve realized that you’re limited. I hate that you won’t get married, have kids of your own, go to college. I hate all of that.

I’m crushed.

However, after a week or so of feeling crushed, and feeling sorry for myself and for you, it’s time to stand up and feel better. What other choice to do we have? We’re going to figure out a way for you to jump. We’re going to keep working on your language and communication skills until you can say everything you want to say. We’re going to learn those dance moves for the talent show; even if we don’t have them down perfectly, you’ll be up there dancing. We will do whatever we have to do so that you can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING your heart desires. We don’t need that little part of your 5th chromosome anyway, do we?

From these moments of weakness, we’ll get a little bit stronger.

OK?

A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I’m trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I’m done hoping that we could work it out
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn’t happen overnight but you turn around
And a month’s gone by and you realize you haven’t cried
I’m not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer
I’m busy getting stronger

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I’m better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I’m getting stronger without you, baby

And I’m done hoping we could work it out
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

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13 responses to “Crushed

  1. You are right, those hard, crappy, moments do make us stronger. But, those moments are very hard to get through and I admire your strength and ability to look at the positive! This issue rips my heart out, but I will do as you and look at how it will make us stronger! HUGS to you!

  2. Heart wrenching!

    (off to find the Kleenex…)

  3. girl….you and olivia are both rock stars! you always seem to find a way to stand up tall, brush off, and keep going. and THAT is why she is going to be able to do so much more than anyone could ever imagine she could 🙂

  4. Oh, this got me right to the core, I have all of these feelings right now for Lily and she is only 10 months old! I don’t even know how I can do this for 10 years! I love your attitude and Olivia is very lucky to have a “super mom” like you!

  5. Thank you for sharing! I like to hear what Olivia must be feeling, because it makes it that much more real. How couldn’t you feel crushed, she is your baby girl and you would go to the moon and back for her if you had to! Olivia is so lucky to have a mom who will fight for her the way you do! If it weren’t for your attitude and determination O wouldn’t have the opportunity to be the best she can be. You two are phenomenal! But you already know that…. 😉

  6. I can really feel your pain and frustration in this. I am so sorry it has been so hard Olivia and you. My thoughts and hopes are with you always.

  7. Oh, Tiffany. You’ve got perspective friend and I know because of it you and Olivia will always perservere to attain anything and everything you both desire.

  8. Wow. I’m just amazed that you’ve figured something like this out. You are so in tune with her, isn’t that something? Without words, you were able to figure out her pain. As much pain as this brings you, do you realize that you’re probably liberating her frustration in HUGE ways.

    If you tell her exactly what you wrote here: “We’re going to figure out a way for you to jump. We’re going to keep working on your language and communication skills until you can say everything you want to say. We’re going to learn those dance moves for the talent show; even if we don’t have them down perfectly, you’ll be up there dancing. We will do whatever we have to do so that you can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING your heart desires. ” she is going to understand that you understand. I think this is absolutely amazing.

  9. Thats right ……..ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. You touched my heart. Olivia is so very fortunate to have you. You have NEVER said never for her. You find new ways, you are creative, but you never give up. I love the mother that you are to her – to all of your children. I am proud to call you my friend.

  11. You are such an inspiration. To us, your loyal readers and to your beautiful, amazing girl, who has so much going on in her sweet head that she just wants to scream to get it out. Keep up the good fight, Mama. There are so many of us fight along side you for our beautiful, special kids.

  12. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever comment on-time again. I actually read this when you first posted it and meant to tell you just how much it meant to me. I cried and felt your pain while knowing that I could never fully understand because I’ve never faced that situation. But your strength is amazing. Amazing. You keep chugging, girl, and Olivia will keep pulling you along.

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