I am a total idiot sometimes.
I forget that I have amazing friends.
I don’t call them when I need them.
I don’t ask for help.
And when I finally break down and let it all out, they’re there for me and I feel like an idiot for not counting on them in the first place.
I’ve been in a serious funk for the last couple of months. Bad news bears funk. Don’t want to get out of bed or leave the house funk. And, like I told my dear friend, Amy, yes I’m still on my prozac, yes I exercise daily and yes I eat healthy. This is just a “weight of the world on my shoulders” funk.
Matt might be out of a job—who will take care of Olivia if I die?—-where will she live when I’m gone?—-am I raising monsters?—-am I doing enough as a mother?—-my husband annoys the crap out of me lately because he’s in a funk too, yet I love him so much I feel as though I’ll burst—I’m sick of working out—I’m sick of my house, my clothes, my car, my everything—I need a vacation—I need to get away—I need alone time—I worry about my Mom—I’m worried about my sister—I have hate and anger towards my former stepfather that I need to get past—the kids’ birthdays were exhausting and I felt like no one even said thank you—I hate my job—I can’t remember the last time I laughed—I feel ginormous—I want some time alone with my husband—I need to set up a special needs trust for Olivia but I don’t have an extra $1000—I need to get started planning my golf outing—I’m trying to sell Stella and Dot jewelry but I’m a terrible saleswoman—I want to do more photography and writing—I feel so lost kind of funk.
You feel me?
I had dinner at my friend Amy’s house on Saturday and the husbands weren’t there yet. It was just her and I and the kids were watching Tangled. I just let it all out. I cried so much I needed a Kleenex. She hugged me, listened and told me she loved me. It was exactly what I needed. I wondered why I hadn’t called her sooner.
Because I didn’t want to seem weak. Because I didn’t want to seem stupid. Because I didn’t want to seem selfish. Because I really hate asking for help.
But it was exactly what I needed. I needed her to say “Yes, it sucks that you are still changing diapers when Olivia’s 10. Yes, it sucks that you have to worry so much about her future care. Yes, it sucks that you are so worried about your financial well-being.” I also needed her to tell me that I need to focus on right now. That to focus on all of this was too much for one person to handle and no wonder I was feeling like crap. I needed to hear that I was a great mother, a wonderful wife and beautiful friend. I needed all of that.
I’m so glad I broke down on my friend’s couch and reminded myself to be thankful for having such a perfect friend.