My Biggest Secret

I am reposting my post from yesterday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs today. I hope you’ll understand my thoughts and forgive me too…and maybe, if need be, forgive yourself.

I am going to admit something here that I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone. I’ve been trying really hard this year to feel good enough, to not want to be anything more than I am at this moment, and I feel part of that journey is to let go of all demons. So here it goes.

When Olivia was born and diagnosed with Cri du Chat syndrome 4 days later, I didn’t want her. There I said it. I didn’t want her. I loved her with all my being, but I was certain I would not be a good mother for her. I was certain that I couldn’t handle this syndrome and all that came with it. Therefore, I didn’t want her. I wanted her to go away so I could get back to the existence I had leading up to the minute those words came out of the doctor’s mouth.

I’m so glad no one listened. Because shortly thereafter? I couldn’t live without her.

Once I realized that she was mine and I loved her, and everything else that was coming my way could be handled and that the love was all that mattered, I held on to her so tight, I’ve never let up. But I’ve never forgiven myself for those feelings. Until now. I’m officially forgiving myself today. And, if you had those feelings too and care to share, you should forgive yourself too. There’s no way you could have prepared yourself for the feelings and emotions that occur when you are given a diagnosis, just like there’s no way to prepare yourself for the love you feel for your children. It’s just too much to take in sometimes and your feelings about it are natural.

So go ahead, forgive. I did.

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17 responses to “My Biggest Secret

  1. Some days when life is so hectic, I think to myself, “Why did I ever have kids?” When my FIL makes a comment about my parenting, I tell him to take them and he can raise them. I am joking now, but there was a time right after Charlotte was born that I often thought that having baby #2 was a bad idea and I wasn’t so sure I was cut out for it. I felt guilty as soon as I said it, but I said it and I learned how to be a good parent to 2 girls and now we have #3 (a boy finally) on the way.
    BTW, I love how real you are on here Tiffany. You always make me feel like I’m not alone in thinking things like this. :o) So many people these days try to make everything seem so put together all the time and lie about how life really is. I’m glad you keep it real.

  2. I love your honesty! When Ella was born I didn’t want to live. If it weren’t for my sweet Hunter I’m afraid of what stupid thing I would have done. I had already dealt with depression for many years and receiving Ella’s diagnosis after birth was just the last straw. I remember saying over and over to anyone who would listen “I just want my old life back.” I have TONS of guilt for feeling that way. Poor sweet Ella. I feel like I missed out on all the sweet baby moments with her because I was in such a fog. Of course I loved her from the begining but I was totally convinced that I would screw everything up, no way could I be a mother to a child with Down syndrome. And I was convinced that Hunter would be screwed up because of it too. I hate hate hate that I had those feelings.

  3. Thankyou for sharing Hon xx

  4. your honesty is one of the things i love about your blogs the most!! and i can’t imagine the enormity of sitting there and hearing those words come out of a doctor’s mouth, but i know that becoming a new parent (even for the second and third time!) is overwhelming. to throw something else into the mix just has to send your brain into over-drive. you are so strong now though (and you know it. which is awesome!) and olivia is an amazing person (which you also know!).

  5. We are only human…
    The great thing is you had the strength to say it.
    Feelings get in the way sometimes, but they also remind us of the important things in life that we might have forgotten.
    Keep keeping it real!

  6. I, too, love your honesty on this blog. I much prefer reading about the real feelings and not just the good stuff.

    You hit the nail on the head when you said that no one can prepare themselves for the feelings of love for your child, let alone the feelings that come with an unexpected diagnosis. It is a good thing to forgive ourselves for these feelings!!

  7. Thanks for your honesty! I read this to everyone I know today! We have all thought those things at some points but it is great to know you are honest wtih yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. As soon as I saw your entry on Facebook, I knew. I have kept it a secret that has manifested into a huge lump o’ guilt. I already have twins, a boy and a girl… but I wanted one more. I would think of how much easier life would have been, how much money we would have saved if it weren’t for the constant Dr. bills. But then I realized that I am LUCKY to have my little cat cry kiddie. The sweetest, snuggle-ist, cutest little bugger who looks at me like I am her whole world. I was lucky to be 1 of the 50 parents to receive one of these special babies.

  9. This is authentic and real. Forgiving yourself is the most important thing you can do to carry on with life. Thanks for your revelation Tiffany.

  10. Thank you for sharing this! I love how truthful you are in your writing! It takes guts to show your true colors and be genuine and I don’t think a whole lot of people can do that on their blog, but you do it so tastefully too. Way to go young lady!!! You are so self empowering!

  11. Tiffany, I just wanted to let you know that I gave you an award on my blog today!

  12. You are truly an amazing woman for being able to say this out loud and to forgive yourself for feeling what so many others are unable to voice. Thank you for having the courage to share this.

  13. This is why I love your blog and you so much. You are human and learning. We all need to start forgiving ourselves. Thanks for this

  14. Even though we didn’t have our Olivia’s diagnosis until later, in the beginning, she was just such a miserable baby, I often wondered what I’d done to myself and even my older daughter by having another child. My mom and I sometimes joked (because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry, right?) that we totally understand shaken baby syndrome because if I hadn’t had two other adults (my mom and my husband) to hand O to every few hours, I don’t know if she or I would have made it. And that’s a horrible thing to admit. But like you, I forgive myself for feeling that way. I’m human.

  15. Thanks for your honesty. I am raising my 8 year old grandaughter who has cri du chat. My son , who had custody left her with me , when he moved out of the area. I know it was a hard decision for him, but he did the right thing. She was in an excellent preschool where she got the help she needed and was progressing very well. I might add ….she got help because of a diagnosis of Autism not the 5p. Not many people ,even doctors know about this syndrome.

  16. I am so glad that we have crossed paths.

    Just wanted to let you know that tonight.

    What a raw post with brutal honesty. I love it. You are an amazing mommy.

    Love, Jill

  17. Pingback: Glamour | Elastamom's Excerpts

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