I am reposting my post from yesterday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs today. I hope you’ll understand my thoughts and forgive me too…and maybe, if need be, forgive yourself.
I am going to admit something here that I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone. I’ve been trying really hard this year to feel good enough, to not want to be anything more than I am at this moment, and I feel part of that journey is to let go of all demons. So here it goes.
When Olivia was born and diagnosed with Cri du Chat syndrome 4 days later, I didn’t want her. There I said it. I didn’t want her. I loved her with all my being, but I was certain I would not be a good mother for her. I was certain that I couldn’t handle this syndrome and all that came with it. Therefore, I didn’t want her. I wanted her to go away so I could get back to the existence I had leading up to the minute those words came out of the doctor’s mouth.
I’m so glad no one listened. Because shortly thereafter? I couldn’t live without her.
Once I realized that she was mine and I loved her, and everything else that was coming my way could be handled and that the love was all that mattered, I held on to her so tight, I’ve never let up. But I’ve never forgiven myself for those feelings. Until now. I’m officially forgiving myself today. And, if you had those feelings too and care to share, you should forgive yourself too. There’s no way you could have prepared yourself for the feelings and emotions that occur when you are given a diagnosis, just like there’s no way to prepare yourself for the love you feel for your children. It’s just too much to take in sometimes and your feelings about it are natural.
So go ahead, forgive. I did.