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She was not O.K. She was trying to fake it, but She was just not herself. She loved her children, She loved Him, but She felt like She was in a fog and couldn’t find Her way out. It was hard to get out of bed each morning; She just wanted to sleep and be left alone. Sadness overwhelmed Her for no reason at all. Everything was overwhelming. She had absolute breakdowns over nothing. Things that would normally not have bothered Her, like someone spilling milk, drove Her to the brink. She couldn’t sleep, yet She was tired all the time. She obsessed over Her weight, Her looks, Her mothering skills, everything. She just felt overwhelmed and empty.
But She didn’t tell anyone. She was embarrassed by these feelings. Optimistic and happy were usually how people described Her; She didn’t want to let anyone down. To Her surprise, She wasn’t fooling anyone. Especially Him. He knew something was really wrong. They weren’t getting along either. They had no money at all.
It was terrible.
They decided that She had to get a job. She had been a stay-at-home Mom now for 2 years. Even though She was supplementing their income by babysitting and tutoring, it still wasn’t enough. They were broke. She felt devastated at the thought of leaving Her kids during the day. Baby Girl was still in pre-school, still wasn’t talking or walking and was having a rough time in school. She wanted to be there for her. Little Man was only in pre-school and Sweet Pea was only 11 months old with major health problems. She just felt overwhelmed at the thought of going to work and leaving them all in someone else’s care during the day. But something had to give.
She started looking for part-time teaching jobs at local colleges and found one. The schedule was terrible but they would make it work. She was extremely unhappy about it, but what else could She do? On the way home from getting hired, He called Her on her cell.
“You’re not ok. Your Mom and I are really worried about you. I’m worried about us. I made an appointment with your doctor. I think you have depression.”
“I know I do. I thought I was hiding it well but I guess not. I just can’t do it anymore.”
“I love you. It’s all going to be ok.”
“I love you too.”
She went and met with Her family doctor. She had a difficult time getting the words out to tell him about Her symptoms and that She thought She was depressed. What right did She have to be depressed? She had a loving husband and three wonderful children. He was so kind and helpful. He could sense She was embarrassed and asked Her “If you had diabetes, would you take meds for it? If you had pneumonia, would you take medicine for it?” She said “Yes, of course.” He said “This is no different. It’s something you can’t control. It’s an illness. Don’t feel embarrassed”. It made Her feel slightly better. He sent Her on Her way with a prescription. She looked at it.
Prozac.
Prozac is for crazy people, She though. There was no way She could go to the pharmacy and get this filled. She would crumble with embarrassment. She called Him in a panic.
“They gave me PROZAC for f*c*’s sake! I can’t get this filled. I can’t be on Prozac! I’m not crazy!!”
“It will hopefully help you and make it better. You need it. Just please do it.”
She did. She didn’t die of embarrassment. Her doctor told Her it would take about a month for Her to feel a difference. She’d wait and see.
In the meantime, They had to work on their relationship. Over the past 4.5 years, They had been through a lot. Baby Girl’s diagnosis, Little Man 13 months later, Him working two jobs and going to school, Sweet Pea’s birth and health problems…it was a lot for any couple. They needed to regroup. They made an appointment with a marriage counselor. The love was still there, They just needed some help figuring out how to make it work and to help Them understand each other.
Hopefully it would all be ok.
Elastamom's Excerpts 
Tiffany I am proud of you for posting about the “D” word. I went through postpartum depression that lasted for quite some time after the birth of my son, and it was the most empty and hopeless point in my life. Complete blackness is the best way I can describe it. I too was embarrassed and fought to keep it hidden until I just couldn’t fake it anymore. After a long road back, I feel better than I have in years. I wish that more people, especially Moms, would reach out for help. There is no shame, but strength, in asking for help.
Love this one. Know exactly how you felt. I have been there. We all need to get help and let others know it is okay to as well. This post is great for all moms/wives to read. Love ya!
Thanks for sharing about your depression. It is something that I struggle with, and I think a lot of mothers do. What a great husband to make sure you got the help you needed and good for you for getting that help! I think it is easier to continue to fake it than it is to actually reach out and get help.
Isn’t it something to look back and see everything you and your family made it through? And my goodness, your kids look exactly the same now as they did then!
I smile at the sweet blessings your life has today…a solid marriage, more experience of handling three kiddos, and a beautiful house with a job that coordinates well with your family’s schedule. I’m so glad it turned in a smoother direction for you ones.
Prozac is good stuff. Although I’ve been on it for years and am still crazy 😉 xoxo
I’m pretty sure you were writing my story today. As I have dealt with depression and talked to more and more moms about my issues it seems like we all go through the same things. I wonder when it will stop feeling like we’ve failed somehow and stop being embarassing. This being a mom stuff isn’t for wimps. And for the record stop making me cry at work it isn’t nice 😉
I often wonder why depression has the stigma that it does. You were brave to address it. You are brave to post about it. You may touch someone out there who is today where you were then. Mental illness is real and deserves to be acknowledged. Thanks for sharing this post. xoxoxoxo
This one really got to me. I appreciate your candor and your willingness to share.
I’m on Prozac and I’m pregnant. There is still so much shame and guilt that I feel because of it, but I’m so very lucky I got help.
I always love your honesty. I can feel the emotion in this post. You are such a strong family and I love reading the steps you all take to bring to where you are now. I love that photo, you all look so beautiful xxx
Thank you for sharing this experience, Tiffany. Depression is an unfortunate side affect to our on-the-go society. In which wages aren’t rising to match inflation (hence the recession), we are bombarded by “excellent parenting tips” daily, and we are told what the ideal body looks like. It’s no wonder so many of us succumb to anxiety and depression.
Also, I am so glad you mentioned marriage counseling. My husband and I have always enjoyed our times when we went regularly to a marriage counselor. It is refreshing to know just how awesome your relationship already is, while learning how to make it even better.
I am so glad that he was/is there and that your love has helped carry you. I am there right now, but don’t have the love and support of a husband. you give me hope.
Also, you look so beautiful in that picture.
Thank you. Honest. Candid. Forthcoming. Putting into words what so many of us have felt. And who knows how many people you have helped.