Heavy

That’s how I feel lately.

Heavy.

And I don’t mean just my weight. I mean everything. I just feel…

Heavy.

There’s too much on these shoulders.

There’s too much swirling around in this brain.

I want to feel good about myself. Every day. Because I should. But I don’t. Hardly ever.

It’s so hard raising boys.

I fear my boys, especially my oldest, is learning to disrespect me.

I want him to think I’m the greatest woman he’s ever known.

Did I mention it’s really hard raising children?

I want my Mom to be happy again. Truly, ridiculously happy.

I want my sister to be happy too.

I want a solid father figure. One who knows my heart and will protect it and remind me that I’m good enough.

I need a vacation.

I want to write books and my blog and take pictures.

I want to cry until I have no tears left on someone’s shoulder.

I want to scream from the top of my lungs that I feel heavy and I need. I need, I need, I need.

I don’t want Olivia to have a brain tumor or some other spinal defect that requires major surgery.

I don’t want her to have wear a brace for 12 hours a day either.

Her smile and when she says “You’re the best Mom in the whole wide world” makes me feel less heavy…and other times it makes me feel more.

I miss spending time with my husband. Terribly.

I want to lay for hours with him and kiss him from head to toe and tell him how much I love him. I want to hang out for days on end laughing and talking and dancing.

I miss hanging out with my friends.

I want to read a book and watch stupid TV.

I am so tired.

Heavy.

So heavy.


Heavy in Your Arms by Florence and the Machine

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love’s an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I’m so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I’m so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who’s the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn’t make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love’s an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

My love has concrete feet
My love’s an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I’m so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I’m so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing
(Ohhhh)
Whispering like it’s a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy heavy i’m so heavy in your arms
(i’m so) Heavy heavy i’m so heavy in your arms
(i’m so) Heavy heavy i’m so heavy in your arms
(i’m so) Heavy heavy i’m so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I’m so heavy, heavy in your arms.

Heavy, i’m so heavy in your arms.

Advertisements

17 responses to “Heavy

  1. 😦 I’m sorry things are tough right now. I understand. ((you))

  2. My car + windows rolled up + in the Church parking lot = me screaming at the top of my lungs.

    I recommend it.

    I, too, am sorry you are having a tough time right now.

  3. I’m sorry things are so tough for you right now. Did I miss a post about Olivia and wearing a brace or having a brain tumor? ((HUGS)) to you and hope things start looking up soon.

  4. I know how you feel Tiffany. In different ways, but so the same. I pray for you to find some peace and to catch a break. I pray for happiness for all those you love. You are amazing and honest and so much more than good enough.

  5. I may not be able to take any weight off your shoulders, but I am here to remind you that you are more than good enough.

  6. although not nearly on the scale of what you are dealing with, i am desperate for a regular day. a day that i go to bed and think, “this was a good day”. what in the world happened to those days? i’m praying that i find my way back to that feeling…..and i pray that you do too.

  7. I feel you! I never feel like I do enough, participate in enough or am a good enough mom. I am working really hard on me, losing weight and being happy, I think if I work on me everything else will fall into place…..I hope.

    You totally need to tell us what is going on with Olivia…I’m worried. I know, from Facebook, she had the MRI….what are they looking for?

    AND, you totally need to write a book : )

  8. I’m here with open arms and a bottle of wine anytime you need it – I mean that sincerely…
    I feel you on the father figure thing. I’ve longed for that my entire life. Hell, I long for any parent that is supportive of me. Good thing I have kick ass in-laws 🙂
    Hang in there sweetie. I hope your heavy gets better soon.

  9. I’m sorry your having such a rough time…as women we tend to carry the world on our shoulders. Hang in there the load will get lighter you can only do so much but even with all the stress you are doing awesome. You are all in my prayers, Olivia is a strong little girl and your boys do appreciate you they are just boys. You are not alone!

  10. Know that you have us to lean on. Hang in there and when all else fails….PRAY!

  11. Oh girl, I am so sorry the weight of everything is getting to you right now. Find your strenght and take some you time to get back to the core of your happiness. I am thinking about you!

  12. Charity above hit it on the head: “as women we tend to carry the world on our shoulders”. Luckily, we have one another to carry when our load gets too much. Praying that the heaviness lifts from you and is carried far into a sea of water never to return! xoxox

  13. I hear you, girlfriend. Sending hugs and hopes for lighter days! (Did that sound like a period commercial?!?) 😉

  14. Oh, my friend. I have been in much the same place as you. I have been carrying a lot of burdens. Many that belong to others. I have been so tired and I feel that there is NEVER enough time. I wish I could lighten your burden. I send you my prayers and warm thoughts. I wish you angel wings to lift you so that you may feel light and warm. Remember, too, that if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot take care of others. Find a moment to breathe and hug yourself for me.
    🙂
    Traci

  15. Sorry you are having a tough time. Sending you hugs and hoping these feelings pass soon.

  16. {{Sending you hugs}} I feel the weight of it all right now too. And I don’t have as big of issues as you right now. Just the regular junk of life. I wish I could give you some great advice. Or say something that would change it all and make it all better. But, I can’t. All I can say is that I get it. And we’re here to listen. And brighter days will come. I promise.

    Oh, and read Gibby’s comment again. It is hilarious! And will make you smile.

  17. Pingback: Odds | Elastamom's Excerpts

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s