Wanting What You Can’t Have

I’m reading this truly inspirational book, Women Food and God by Geneen Roth, and I’m finding something on each page to blog about. Seriously. Has anyone else read it yet?

I’ve struggled with my body image ever since I can remember and it seems I’ve been on a downward spiral about my looks for a while now. I picked up this book to, hopefully, help with that. It turns out that this book is about so much more than eating and weight and body image…especially if you’re looking.

One particular passage reads: “Hell is the lack of connection between the thought that she wants to eat the entire cake and the reality that eating the cake would send her into a diabetic coma. It’s not her eating that is killing her, it’s her refusal to accept her situation.” Now, I don’t have a problem with wanting to eat an entire cake. But I do have days where I would like a different situation. It’s true.

Days when Olivia accidentally pees on the couch and then throws her poopy diaper down the stairs only to have me step in it and then throws her macaroni and cheese all over the floor because it’s too hot and the dogs are barking incessantly because I’m not right there to let them in and Matty’s crying because he doesn’t like whatever’s on his plate and Gabe’s complaining that I didn’t cuddle with him long enough before bed and Matt’s been gone the entire day. Days like that. Where I want to be anywhere but my kitchen dealing with all of this crap. Days when if I had a genie in a bottle I’d use all 3 wishes to take the Cri du Chat away so she’d use the potty like a normal 9-year-old and eat her damn mac and cheese. Days when I just want normal. I don’t want stares, I don’t want questions, I don’t want another doctor appointment, I don’t want her to be who she is. And those days ARE absolute hell. To get caught up in that line of thinking is absolutely miserable. Because guess what? There’s no genie. She’s not going to be “fixed”. My life is not going to be “normal”.

But you know what else?

I’m ok with that. I have my day in Hell and then I get over it. I don’t dwell on the fact that my life is the way it is. Because can you imagine how awful it would be to spend every day wishing your life was different? That is Hell…and who would want that?

Here’s hoping today’s a normal day…and not a day in Hell.


12 responses to “Wanting What You Can’t Have

  1. I had a night in hell. Then again, we always seem to have nights in hell! But last night, I was thinking this exact thing… NO MORE! I CAN’T TAKE the scratching, the teeth grinding, the diaper changes in the middle of the night that has me changing the bed sheets too (ok, it’s not just me, I know, but still), the the sleepless nights, forever to fall back asleep. And when I think these things, I feel like a monster… it’s not his fault, I know! But, I think those things and I feel angry at the world! I totally get Hell.

  2. Here’s hoping for more “normal” days! πŸ™‚ Have a great one!

  3. See, I am the kind of person that thinks that having a “normal” day would be more like hell. Maybe I am too used to chaos. Chin up girl.

  4. normal is the space between wishing it were different and being so grateful that it’s not

  5. Tiffany, you make me smile. Your thoughts are real and beautiful! Well written.

  6. Fingers crossed that today is normal! And at the chance that it’s “abnormal?” Sending hugs!

  7. But Tiff, you are so beautiful!?! I know all too well how body image issues can weigh you down, but you have lovely willowy limbs, mesmerizing eyes, great teeth/lips, nice skin (even despite the struggles of your youth), spunky hair and a beautiful soul. The thought of you ever having a day where you didn’t like yourself makes me so sad.

    You are wonderful, amazing, beautiful. Put this on constant repeat whenever you need it. ((you))

  8. Glad you found your version of normal! Hope those days from Hell are few and far between. And when they come along, remember I love ya:)

  9. I have to agree with the TheKitchenWitch! When I first saw your picture I thought, and think you are very beautiful…!!! I looked at Olivia and understood why she was so pretty and it was because she has a BEAUTIFUL mommy. πŸ™‚ I’m sorry for the days in Hell. 😦 I do have to thank you for writing about them tho…it lets me know how hard it is really going to be and makes me maybe a little more prepared for what is going to come…not that it is possible to be completely prepared. And the simple truth is…it is not fair that our babies have this syndrome, even tho I believe they were perfectly made in Gods perfect image…it is still so very hard.

  10. I think I missed something….what’s wrong with eating the whole cake? πŸ™‚

    Hoping you had a good day!

  11. I agree with Kitch…you are so beautiful! I envy your figure you little hottie! Say these things to yourself in the mirror everyday. I demand it.

    And as for wishing for something that can’t be? Well, that only makes you human. A very STRONG human, but still a human. I am not just blowing sunshine up your a**, Tiff…YOU ARE AN AWESOME WOMAN, MOTHER, and WIFE. Don’t forget it.

    (And I’m sorry that I wrote “blow sunshine up your a** on your blog, feel free to delete it, but I meant it!)

  12. I haven’t read this one but I have read some of her others and think she’s amazing. The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed it? I think that’s what it’s called… Excellent!

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