***To catch up on this Flashback series, click the link at the top. ***
She wasn’t sure She would ever be ok. She had lost their baby. It was her fault, of that she was sure. Even though she had done everything by the book, She was sure She had missed something. How could this happen? She couldn’t stop crying; She was sure now that She would never be a mother.
The doctor scheduled her for surgery the following morning. The doctor had wanted to wait until Monday but She couldn’t stand the thought of her dead baby inside her for an entire weekend. As much as She didn’t want the baby to go, She knew it would be harder to hold on for any longer.
She arrived at the hosptial; She was devastated at how impersonal the nurses treated her at check-in. Didn’t they know her whole world had just stopped? How could they be so cold and treat her as if this was a routine appointment? Thank God her husband and her Mom were there. The one nurse even yelled at her when She went back for pre-op because She didn’t know how to put on the maxi-pad belt that She had to wear while She was waiting to go back to surgery. She put her clothes in the cold, metal locker and felt as though She would never be ok again. She felt so alone.
They came to get her for the surgery. This nurse was lovely. She had kind eyes and a warm smile. She held her hand and explained the procedure. The doctor came in and had her sign papers saying it was ok to remove the “fetal material”; She winced. Fetal material? This was my son, my daughter, for God’s sake. Didn’t anybody understand?
Finally it was time for surgery. There were so many people in the room. It was so bright. She just wanted it to be over. She wanted to go back 24 hours and have there be a heartbeat. She wanted her baby. The anesthesiologist turned around while she removed her maxi-pad belt; this made her laugh inside because he was obviously going to see everything in just a few minutes…but it made her feel better nonetheless. She lay down on the table and the nurse with the kind eyes held her hand again. The nurse asked her to count back from ten; as She was going under She heard the nurse say “Oh my, this is so sad.” It comforted her to know that this nurse understood her pain. She was under.
The next thing She knew She was waking up and was freezing cold. They put warming blankets on her and called her husband back. He held her while She cried. Their baby was gone.