Flashback Part XIV—None

She couldn’t believe she was actually pregnant. She had this unreasonable fear that She wouldn’t be able to have children; probably because She wanted it so badly. Having a husband as wonderful as Him was unbelievable; now to be pregnant with His child? Amazing.

The weeks flew by. She made it to her 10 week initial check up in no time. No morning sickness, just a little queasiness. Her face was horribly broken out as She wasn’t able to take her hormone medicine…but She could deal with that for a baby. A stickler about her weight, She was a little freaked out that She had already gained 15 pounds even though She was working out every day and eating healthy…but She would be ok with gaining weight for the baby. She read every book She could get her hands on about being pregnant. She gave up coffee, soft cheese, deli meat; She rested and took her prenatal vitamins. She did everything she was supposed to. At her 10 week appointment, they couldn’t hear the heartbeat so they did an ultrasound. Right there on the screen She saw her tiny little baby. They couldn’t believe it. Tears of joy flowed all around. She left with the first snapshots of her perfect little angel; She promptly put the picture up on the fridge. She could already imagine the fridge filled with pictures of her little one; with toddler drawings and pre-school craft projects. She couldn’t wait.

They made it to the 12 week mark before telling anyone except their parents and sisters. She was so excited She could burst. She had bought maternity clothes; this was her first pregnancy and She was so excited to wear them. Finally She could tell everyone—her friends and coworkers and extended family. They talked of names, they dreamed up the nursery, they imagined everything their little one would do and would be.

At 14 weeks, She had her next check-up. She felt great and couldn’t wait to go and hear the heartbeat and maybe even see the little one again on the ultrasound machine. They weighed her (15 lbs…ugh), checked her blood pressure, all the usual stuff. The doctor came in and tried to hear the heartbeat but couldn’t. It was not her usual doctor…maybe this one didn’t know about her tilted uterus. Just like last time. But this time she was 4 weeks farther along. They should be able to hear a heartbeat by now.

“Let’s do an ultrasound and see if the baby’s hiding again!” the doctor said.

They went back to the ultrasound room and tech began to do the exam. The tech put the cool gel on her stomach and moved the probe around until she could see the baby. She did the measurements and said somewhat hesitantly…”Your 10 weeks, right?”

She said “No, actually, I’m 14 weeks.”

Then the tech stopped and looked at the screen and then quickly left to get the doctor. Her heartbeat was racing by now; She looked at Him with worry in her eyes. “It will be alright, right?”

The doctor came back in…moved the probe…looked at the screen. The doctor slowly put the probe down, turned to Her and said “I’m so sorry but there’s no heartbeat.”

The whole world went black. She reached for Him and cried and died a little inside.

13 responses to “Flashback Part XIV—None

  1. So, I came here to say “Thanks for your comment on my special SITS day. I gave you a special mention in my latest post!”

    BUT… reading this post… wow… I can relate almost exactly. Even with the details about the weight gain; and I also have a tilted uterus; seeing the heartbeat at 10 wks and then going back at 14 weeks to get the devestating news.

    I’m so sorry you had to go through that too.. and look forward to reading more of your blog in hopes of finding happier news.

    In my case, I ended up finding out I had something called Asherman’s Syndrome, had surgery, got pregnant again (after four m/c’s total) and my son is now 5 yrs old.

    All the best to you!

  2. I’m so sorry, Tiffany. My heart hurt reading this because I know how it feels to be told that. One of those things you just never forget.

  3. Tiffany – I’m very sorry.

    I also have a tilted uterus and although I’ve had one child, it seems to be blocking my ability to have any more.

    I’m glad your husband was with you at that appointment.

  4. I am so sorry! I know this feeling. I had almost the same thing happen. It hurts a lot!

  5. I remember when I stayed after class and told you that I missed you when we had a sub and I asked why you were gone and you told me. My heart ached for you then. I have no idea what myself said at 16-17 years old back then to you- but I do know now what you must have been feeling since I myself have gone through a miscarriage when Lily was 8 months old.

    This is a sad post but I know by seeing your 3 beautiful children that your new guardian angel has been with you 🙂

  6. I have a tipped uterus, too. Both times, they had trouble hearing the heartbeat and I went into a complete panic.

    ((hugs)) I’m so happy your husband was there. You needed each other then.

  7. so sorry…sounds like you have a wonderful support system though. And I just looked at your tweet box and saw that older men at the gym are flirting with you 😀 – that should bring a smile

  8. I’m glad you and Matt were together. I’m glad that you continued to strive toward that family you dreamed of. You have three beautiful children that are watched over by the ones that weren’t meant to be. For that they will always hold a special place in your heart:) I love ya lady! hugs…

  9. There just aren’t words that are good enough. I’m sorry.

    If I don’t make it by tomorrow, I wanted to be sure to wish you a very happy birthday!!! I’m glad I “met” you.

  10. Oh dear… I always look forward to Flashback Friday. I have been so touched by your story — joy and now loss. I have no words. I have not walked in those shoes but I am glad that you have remained so solid and true and I am glad that you have shared your story with us.

  11. Nothing worse than hearing those words… So sorry you had to go through that.

  12. Hugs.
    I, too, have a tilted uterus and had an ectopic pregnancy in between my two girls. It really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?

    (BTW, I know I have been late in commenting, but I have been reading on my phone every day! Just wanted to let you know…)

  13. I loved reading your story and I’m so excited to read more of it. Wow you have a talent for sharing your story in a way that grips people’s hearts.

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