Elastamom's Excerpts

She says:

You never listen to me! Ever!

He says:

I can’t possibly listen that much.

This is marriage in a nutshell.

Don’t say you weren’t warned, ok?

I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. Seriously. This is crazy. I am way too old for this.

Mom! You are not too old. Do you realize how young you are? 56 is young! So young! You could have 40 more years on this planet if you’re lucky. Just do it. For me. Please?

I’m only doing it for you. I don’t care if I ever date another man as long as I live. But if it will make you happy and get you off my back, then fine. Seriously though…who’s going to want to date me? I’m a grandmother for Christ’s sake.

Uh maybe a grandfather? Or any sane man who can see how awesome you are? We’re not talking marriage, Mom, we’re talking about signing up for a dating site. You’re gorgeous and funny and I bet you’ll have 100 replies in the first week! Plus, won’t it be fun going through them all and weeding out all of the weirdos and freaks? You know there are a ton out there, right? Come on! It will be fun.

But this isn’t how it’s done. I’m supposed to meet someone and just get a feeling and then we go out on a date. I’m not supposed to put my picture and personal info on the internet for christ’s sake!

Mom, when was the last time you went anywhere that would allow you to interact with men? Hmmmm?? When? Oh that’s right, NEVER!! You go to work, you go home, you hang out with me and the kids. You go to the gym but I know you and you aren’t talking to anyone at 5:30 a.m. when your hair’s not done. You work with mostly women and you’re the boss so you’re probably not going to meet anyone there. Just try this, please? Pretty please?

Fine. I’ll do it. But I swear to God if it’s nothing but freaks and crazies, I’m deleting my account!

Just click submit already, Mom.

*****************************************************************************************************************

Can you believe we’ve been writing back and forth for a month now? He’s so funny. And I love his stories about his grandkids. He loves them so much. And he’s not a freak. And he loves action movies! Did you see his picture? Isn’t he cute? I mean as far as 60-somethings go?

Let me read that last email again, Mom. And let me see his picture again. Hmmmm. He sounds pretty awesome. No serial-killer vibes coming from him at all. Are you guys going to meet soon?

Oh, I don’t know. It’s only been a month of emails. We haven’t even talked on the phone yet.

Well, you hate talking on the phone.

I know, but still. Shouldn’t we do that first? Who would have ever though I’d meet someone on a dating site?

Ummmm….me?

Oh yeah. Thanks for making me press send, honey.
****************************************************************************************************************

I can’t believe I’m doing this again. I swore I’d never get married again. Ever. This is ridiculous. But I’m so happy.

I’m thinking the third times a charm, Mom. He’s a keeper. He adores you…and us. And I honestly don’t think there are any scary skeletons in his closet. We have a pretty good radar for those now, don’t we?

Yes, that’s true! I’m so excited to share my life with him. Isn’t that weird? It’s strange and wonderful all at the same time. I’m so glad you made me join that site, love.

You’re welcome, Mom. Is it time for the “I told you so” dance yet?

***************************************************************************************************************

It’s been a good life, hasn’t it sweet daughter of mine?

Yes, it has, Mom. I’m so glad I got to have you for so long. I don’t know what I would have done without you. Remember how I told you we were going to be old ladies together? I just knew we would be.

Remember how I met Him through that silly dating site that you wanted me to join? If I hadn’t joined, I might have missed out on the 30 best years of my life. I felt young and in love again every day until he passed. I’m so glad you made me do that.

You’re welcome, Mom. It’s pretty amazing to me. That you put yourself out there again and were able to find love. I always knew you had the greatest heart of anyone I’d ever known.

I’m so tired now, baby girl.

I know you are, Mom. I’m here. You can let go.

I’ll always be thankful for you…and that you made me get out there. I love you.

I love you too.

Every year on their birthday, I take my kids’ picture in one of Matt’s white dress shirts. I started doing this when Olivia was 2 and Gabe was 1 and I plan on doing it through their 18th birthday. I write them a letter on their birthday too (or a blog post) and I plan on making them each a book for graduation. It’s so fun to watch them grow. You can see below how much they’ve grown…and that my photo skills have gotten much better. And because I like to keep it real…I can’t find the ones from Matthew’s 1st birthday or from Olivia’s 7th and Gabe’s 6th. I’ve been looking all day and I can’t find them anywhere. Do you have a traditional picture that you take every year to show how they’ve grown?

It was weird this past birthday to see that Gabe could actually wear it as a…regular shirt. Won’t it be weird, and kind of cool, when the shirt is too small?

My friend Amy always teases me that you really don’t have Cri du Chat. That it’s all a mistake because when you look up your syndrome, it says nonverbal. Most children with Cri du Chat don’t have words or very few. Because of luck and a lot of hard work, you have words. Tons and tons of cherished words.

When you were small, your Dad and I would have conversations about how we would much rather you had words than being able to walk or ride a bike. The physical delays we could make up for but words? How would we make up for that? I distinctly remember when you were around 5, and we were trying to get you a communication device, your Dad saying to me “I just want her to be able to tell us what hurts if she’s hurting and what she wants to eat if she’s hungry.” That’s all we wanted. We were blessed with so much more.

There’s not a day, a moment when you’re with me really, that I don’t marvel at your language. On my birthday, you brought home a card that you had made yourself. Inside were words that you chose just for me. The card read:

Dear Mom,
Happy Birthday! Heart. Sorry. It’s my brother’s fault. Fart….tttthhhhh!!! A big hug.
Love,
Olivia

I will save that card forever because it contains your words. Exactly what you wanted to say. And you were able to say it.

When we were at Mohican State Park and your brother and Dad were climbing the 80 foot tall fire tower, you looked up and then looked at Gabe and said “Holy hell that’s high!” You have no qualms about spouting out a “bullshit!” appropriately or a “Moron!” when you feel like it. Your words aren’t always pretty, but I love them all the same. You constantly make us laugh with your funny turn of phrase.

Every day you tell me “Mama? You’re so beautiful.” or “Mama? You’re so kind.” or “I love you so much, Mama.” or “How many kisses do you want?” It’s endless all of the poetry that comes out of your mouth and is directed at me. It makes me absolutely glow inside.

Last night we were reading “Would you rather be a bullfrog?” before bed. After each choice, I’d stop and wait for your answer. You’d think for a moment and answer and give me a reason for your answer. “I’d rather be a butterfly. Because then I’d have wings and could fly.” Matthew was looking at me like I was nuts because I was alternating between joyous giggles and happy tears. You, this girl who wasn’t supposed to have words, were answering thoughtfully. It was a joy to behold.

I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I certainly don’t know what I did to deserve you and your beautiful, precious, cherished words. But I’m so glad to have them…and you.

On Tuesday, my 36th birthday, I wrote about my gift to myself. That I would learn to love me just for me. As I thought about this throughout the week, something occurred to me. A good old-fashioned Oprah “Aha!” moment.

It’s all me. I have the power to change how I feel about myself. It’s my choice.

I started thinking how, if I never left my house and only listened to my four angels that live with me, I would think I was perfect. Matt thinks I’m beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, a wonderful wife and a loving mother. The boys adore me and I know that, even if they don’t always say it. Olivia tells me at least once a day that I’m kind and I’m beautiful and that she loves me. If I only listened to them, I’d think I was pretty amazing.

So all I need to do is shut up the bitch in my head, right?

Then I extended my circle a little bit to my Mom, my sister, my close, dear friends. I know my Mom loves me, thinks I’m beautiful and is proud of me. My sister just wrote on Facebook the other day that she thinks I’m amazing. My friends love me. Me! Not my waist size, not my hair color, not the clothes I wear, me. They think I’m funny, a good listener, a great Mom and they enjoy my company. And they tell me I’m beautiful. If I only listened to them, I’d think I was pretty awesome.

How lucky am I? Pretty damn lucky to have all these people who think I am great. Me. Just me.

Clearly the only changes that need to be made are within me.

I have thoughts on why the voice inside my head is so mean. I’m not quite sure how to shut her up. But I think the first step is realizing that the power is within me.

I can make the change.

Me.

This boys makes me smile every minute he’s in my presence. He’s just sunshine and light.

He was so proud to see his artwork displayed at the local library. “Oh yeah! I nemember making that butterfly!” (That’s not a typo…that’s how he says it. And I’m NOT correcting him!)

I love seeing his little handwriting and how his words are turning into sentences.

There he is in his secret hideout. Pretty private and hard to find, huh?

When we were at the zoo, I captured this moment that just brings me so much joy. “Liv!!! Look up!!! I’m up here!” Doesn’t the look on her face say it all?

Happy tears. Happy, happy tears. There just aren’t enough words for how much I love these two.

She’s so happy here. That makes me happy.

I could seriously just look at her beautiful face all day. Sometimes I do.

Gabe doesn’t like me to take his picture anymore. But, of course, he makes me happy too. Soooo happy. Like when he says “Mom? Can I push the stroller?” Of course you can, Angel. Of course you can.

Then these bad-boys bloomed this week and I was in heaven! The people who lived here before us had the lawn professionally landscaped so it’s really beautiful…but there’s not a lot of color. I think they wanted low-maintenance. So when these bloom I just sit and stare. Gorgeous.

And last, but not least, my birthday. Matt and the kids always make sure it’s special. Even when it’s on a Tuesday. I woke up to this. Sigh.

Do you think he’s trying to tell me something?

The best part of the day? Around 4:45 when Matt and I were able to sit together on the porch with our feet up. And I was able to devour the new PW cookbook and think about all the delicious things I’m going to make. The perfect way to end the day.

What made you happy this week?

I think, after 10 years of being one, there is something unique and very special about being the mother of boys. I remember being scared to death of having a boy. I only had a sister, didn’t have a lot of experience with boys and just felt so out of my element. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed having a boy and, without sounding conceited, how good I was at mothering a boy.

When you’re a mother of a baby boy, it’s so easy to love them, obviously. They’re chunky and cuddly and cooing and wonderful. It’s easy to just sit and snuggle and munch on toes and give kisses and imagine the boy they will be. You can’t quite imagine the man they will be yet but you have so many hopes for them. I hope they’ll be smart but not too smart. I hope they’ll have friends. I hope they’ll be happy. I hope they’ll be kind. Even if they keep you up all night and fuss a bit, you just want to take a bite out of them they’re so lovable.

When you’re a mother of a toddler, you get a glimpse of what it might be like when they’re teenagers. They’re moody. They throw tantrums. They have language, but not quite as much as they need. They get mad at you. Really mad at you. They want to do their own thing instead of snuggle all day. They don’t need you as much. And suddenly you’re desperate to have that baby boy back. The one you could make smile with just a sound. The one who looked at you like you hung the moon. There are still plenty of those moments though. When you get down on the floor and play Thomas the Train with him, he beams. When you run alongside him while he rides his tricycle, he sneaks a look up at you and grins. At night, when you read bedtime stories, he laughs at your funny voices and cuddles right up to you under the blanket. He still gives you a big kiss goodnight, a really tight hug and says “I wuv you Mama!”

When you’re mother of a pre-schooler, you have it easier again. They have more language and can express themselves and they get less frustrated. They’re more independent, which is nice, but they’ve come back to you a little bit. They seem to want to cuddle a little bit more, hang out a little bit more and talk your ear off. Maybe they’re a little more enjoyable too because they go to pre-school for a few hours a week. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, right? You have glimpses of the man they’ll be, believe it or not. When they open the door for their sister or the girl at school, you see it. When they thank you for making dinner, you see it. When they sit down and draw you a picture just because they want to, you see it. You still get to read stories and snuggle and there are still lots and lots of kisses and “I love you”s.

When they go to school, you’re so unsure of what will happen. How much influence will the other kids have on him? How do you feel about him spending 7-8 hours a day with a grown-up that’s not you? How are you going to survive not being with him all day? You miss him like crazy. When he gets home from school, he wants to play with his new friends, not you. He’s so busy. In the beginning, there are still hugs and kisses and cuddles at night. But then something happens. They grow up. They need you less. And for some reason, their affection wanes. At first, it’s not cool to give you a kiss in front of their friends but as soon as they walk in the door, you get a kiss and a hug. They still want to hold your hand when crossing the street, they still want you to read them books and cuddle before bed, they still sit on your lap while watching a movie.

Then it all changes. In a blink, they don’t want to kiss you anymore, even if their friends are nowhere in sight. They will absolutely not hold your hand in public. They want to read on their own before bed. They don’t want to talk about their day. They can be surly. They want to play with their friends or play video games and the really don’t want to play with you. It’s a hard pill to swallow. You ache for him. But you can’t let on too much because that will just push them away farther away. So you hang in there, you might even cry a little at night when you think about it, and then you start to notice things.

You notice that you’re the first person he wants to show his cool, new Lego creation. “Mom! Look at this cool ship I made!”. You notice that you’re the one he wants to tuck him in at night. Just a kiss on the forehead, maybe a hug if it’s your birthday, but he still wants you to be the last one to see him before he goes to sleep. You notice that he wants to read that same books as you. “Mom! Can you believe what’s happening once they got to the Capitol?” You notice that he asks to watch The Middle with you on Wednesday nights. You notice how he catches your eye and gives you just a hint of a smile after he scores a goal in the soccer game. You notice you’re the one he wants to talk to about his bad day. You’re the only one who knows who he has a crush on. It’s these little things that show you that your baby boy is still there.

It’s hard to watch them grow up and move away from you emotionally and physically. Everyone assumes that if they have a daughter, they’ll be close and maybe even best friends some day. At least that’s what you hope for. But with boys we assume we won’t. I think that when you are a mother of boys, you just have to look harder. You’re still their Mama, they just show you in different ways. You hang on to these things with all your might. And when you can actually see the type of man they’re going to be, you know they’ll want you right there beside them.

I am 36-years-old today.

I sit here thinking I should feel differently by now.

Shouldn’t I be wiser? Shouldn’t I be ultra comfortable in my own skin? Shouldn’t I be calm and serene? Shouldn’t I at least like myself a little bit?

And then I think to myself that is exactly what my problem is these days.

My stupid, unrealistic expectations.

Who says you have to be wise by now? Who says you have to be calm? Who says I have to be perfect?

Me. And that’s the problem.

As a present to myself, I’m really going to work on letting go of my expectations and unrealistic ideals that I hold myself to. I want to like myself for the first time in all of my 36 years.

Big zit in the middle of your forehead? Happens to everyone. Gained some weight and your clothes are a little tight? It happens; you’ll work on it. House isn’t clean? The dirt will still be there tomorrow. Students that don’t give a shit and are failing your class? One teacher can only do so much. Gabe’s emotional and a little argumentative? Hug him tighter and be confident he knows you’re there for him. Olivia’s still not potty-trained at home? Keep trying. Mathew didn’t get enough attention today? He did and he knows you love him. You haven’t had any time alone with Matt in ages? Just hang out on porch drinking some wine tonight. The laundry is piled up? The kids don’t really need it folded and put away in their drawers anyway. Hot dogs and processed crap for dinner one night? Everyone will live. Not a lot of extra money in the budget each month? We’re doing better than most. New wrinkles around your mouth? You’re alive.

Easier said than done, I know. But I’m working on it. Really working on it. And I think it just be the best gift I’ve ever given to myself.

To just be and know that I am truly who I’m supposed to be and that is enough.

I’ve been reading a lot lately. Spring Break definitely helped with carving out more time to read. Insomnia also helps with that. One of the benefits of not sleeping is you get to read more!! Here’s what I’ve been reading. I’d love to hear what you’ve been reading too!

I’ve been on a Kristin Hannah kick lately. I don’t know why, but I’ve always loved to find an author I like and read their entire collection. I get a sense of accomplishment and I love finding new authors. Hannah’s pretty new to me and she has a ton of books. Many of her books are fluffy, predictable, syrupy-sweet love stories set in the Seattle area that are easy to read. These are just OK to me. But then she’ll surprise you with a real page-turner; I think that’s what keeps me coming back for more.

Magic Hour is the story of a feral child that shows up in town one day during “the magic hour”. The town is fascinated by this filthy, non-verbal girl up in a tree, carrying a wolf pup and scared to death. The local female sheriff and her sister, a famous but notorious child psychiatrist, have to work together to bring this little girl back to reality. Hannah did a wonderful job with this story. It wasn’t cheesy but fascinating. There is, of course, two love stories wound through the book which are very predictable. But you won’t predict what will happen with this little girl they call Alice. I loved this one.

In Home Again, a local cardiologist is faced with an important person from her past that she thought she’d never see again—her now uber-famous first love and father of her teenage daughter. He shows up on her patient list needing a heart transplant. Her daughter, Lina, doesn’t know that he’s her father and he doesn’t know that Lina exists. It started off promising but went downhill from there. It was SO predictable! I knew what was going to happen by chapter 3. I still finished it because I wanted to see if I was right, but I ended up skimming through much of this lovey-dovey book. Skip it.

Between Sisters was predictable but good. Hannah does a very good job of developing her characters and you truly end up caring for them. Meghann, a high-powered divorce attorney, is forced to take time off and goes to spend time with her semi-estranged sister, Clare. Clare owns a campground and just wants to fall in love. There are twists in the story that make it entertaining but it is very predictable. Or maybe I’ve just read too many books? So many that I can get in the author’s mind and know what they’re going to write? I don’t know.

Distant Shores was interesting in that I’m always intrigued by books that depict how easy it is for a marriage to fall apart. Are you? I’ve said here before that I think people give up too easy, that they don’t put enough effort into their marriage. These types of books continue to prove my point. Elizabeth and Jack Shore have been married for 20+ years and raised two daughters. And neither is happy. It’s the story of how they fall apart and how they find their way back to each other. I really liked this one. It was cheesy, of course, and when Jack cheats on her for the millionth time I didn’t believe that she would just simply forgive him, but other than that it was good. Elizabeth’s stepmother really warmed my heart. That’s what is so great about Hannah’s books—you end up really rooting for at least one of the characters.

Summer Island was hands-down my recent favorite. I was so moved by this story of a mother and daughter repairing their relationship. Nora, the mother, is a famous talk-show host who abandoned her family when her girls were teenagers. The girls never knew why she left and just assumed it was because she wanted fame. Ruby is her youngest daughter, living in L.A. trying to make it as a stand-up comedienne. Nora falls from grace, gets injured and needs help. Ruby is the only one available to take care of her. They both go back to their home on Summer Island to get back on their feet. It was a really touching story of mother-daughter love. There is also a sideline story of Eric, who is dying of cancer, and his brother, Dean, who was Ruby’s first love. All of them entwine gracefully and the story is believable and touching. I found myself reading with tears streaming down my face. Definitely worth reading.

If you can get past how unrealistic Comfort and Joy is, then you will enjoy it. I had a hard time with the ending. I can’t really tell you what happens without ruining it, but it’s pretty out there! Joy has just discovered that her husband is having an affair with her husband. They get a divorce and he ends up getting her sister pregnant and asking her to marry him. Yikes. Joy can’t take another day in her messed-up life so she hops on a plane to Hope, Canada. The plane crashes and Joy escapes the wreckage and finds a place to stay, inhabited by a widow and his son. Everyone thinks Joy is dead. She and Bobby, the little boy who has just lost his mother, bond quickly and deeply. Joy must then return to her normal life because her sister finds out she’s still alive. What will happen? Like I said, I really liked the story but it’s pretty crazy what happens in the end.

I also finished Linda Castillo’s set of Amish murder mysteries. Yes, you read that right! These books are set in Ohio in the heart of Amish country. I love the setting because I’ve been to all of the places where these books take place. Plus, I find the Amish life really interesting. Take all of that and add in some murders? You’ve got yourself a great book! In all of Castillo’s books, the main character is Kate Burkholder. She is the town sheriff and was raised Amish. She went under the “bann” after deciding the plain life was not for her. In Pray for Silence, an Amish family of seven is found murdered on their farm. Kate has to work against the clock to find the monster who committed this horrific crime. I had an inkling of who it was but I was still surprised by the outcome. If you like murder mysteries, you’ll love these. In Sworn to Silence, it appears that a serial killer, who plagued their small, Amish town years ago, is back. Kate has to face a connection she has to the serial killer and her past. The killer is escalating so she has to work fast. It’s intense, gruesome in parts and thrilling. Read this one first!

Right now I’m three chapters into 50 Shades of Grey by E L James. It’s supposedly “mommy-porn”. Have you read it? I am just getting into it but so far, so good. I’ll let you know.

I hope you know all I want is for you to feel loved. Deeply, unconditionally and truly loved.

I hope you know I think you’re perfect just the way you are. Exactly the way you are.

I hope you know I think you’re amazing. I marvel at your existence every day.

I hope you know, out of everything my whole world, I am most thankful for you.

I hope you know I try my hardest every day to be exactly what you need.

I hope you know it’s ok to fail. I’ll still love you.

I hope you know you are beautiful. Inside and out.

I hope you know, out of all the people in my life, I would rather be with you.

I hope you know everything I do is for you.

I hope you know.