The Grossest Poop Story Ever Told

Linking up with MamaKat this week: 2.) Share one of your “did that really just happen to me” life moments.

(I know I’ve shared it twice already…but it fits so perfectly with the prompt, I couldn’t resist!!!)

The water in our Maine campground was so warm that it felt like a bathtub. Olivia has a really difficult time pooping…unless she’s in really warm water. She often poops in the bathtub at home because she’s so relaxed. Luckily, we have these really awesome washable swim diapers that hold everything in. And she wears two.

But still.

The first three days she pooped right as we were getting ready to head back to our camper. So we’d head back plop her in our tiny little camper bathtub and clean her up. The worst part about those washable diapers is that they don’t rip on the sides…you have to pull them down like underwear. So poop goes everywhere. It’s disgusting.

The fourth day we were there, we had just arrived to swim and Matt looked at me and said “Either Olivia just pooped or she grew testicles.” I looked and, sure enough, there was something poking out of her suit. We had just gotten there! Matt said it looked hard so just take her to the campground bathroom that was just a few feet away. “It shouldn’t be too messy if we can see it, right?” he said.

I trudge her over to the campground bathroom, get her into the stall and see what we’ve got. Let me just tell you that shit was everywhere. It wasn’t just the one we could see. It was all over the seat, the sides of the toilet, Olivia and the floor. And of course the floor was wet because swimmers were coming in wet and using it all day so the poop just spread.

Everywhere.

I was in a total panic. Someone was going to come in and see this and freak out and send us home to Ohio. I just knew it! I’m frantically trying to figure out how to clean this shit up. And what on Earth am I supposed to do with Olivia? Luckily there was also a shower in this bathroom, so I picked up my gorgeous, shit-covered daughter and put her in the shower. Luckily, she loves the shower and so she sat there nicely and kept telling me happily, “The water is SOOOOOO warm!”

Meanwhile, I’m looking around trying to figure out how to clean this up. Thank goodness the bathroom had paper towels and not just those hand drying machines. I grab the paper towels that are the consistency of a tissue and start mopping up all the poop on the floor. Because I’m in such a panic, I’m not thinking clearly, so I’m just mopping up and throwing my discarded towels in the toilet.

Did you read that? I WAS THROWING THE PAPER TOWELS IN THE TINY, BARELY-CAN-FLUSH TOILET!

As I’m walking over to get more paper towels about halfway through the clean-up, because the floor is wet and shit-covered and I’m wearing flip-flops, I fall and do the splits. On the public bathroom, shit-covered floor. It was one of those moments where you feel like you just want to either burst into tears or into Tom Hanks’ Money Pit laugh. I did neither. I got up and finished cleaning up.

I finally stop to take a breath and in walks a fellow camper. I say “Don’t go in that first stall! My daughter had an accident and I’m still cleaning it up!!!” She smiles and says “Oh boy. I’ve been there!” and because I’m beside myself I think “I bet it wasn’t an 11-year-old’s poop though!”

Big difference.

So after I collect myself for a second, I realize what I’ve done. I’ve put about 50 paper towels in the toilet. Obviously, it’s not going to flush. I’m so embarrassed that I don’t even think for a second to just go tell the campground people what happened. In my state, I am convinced we’re going to be banned from the pool and possibly even the campground.

So I reach in.

I take clump after clump of shit covered paper towels and dump them in the garbage. Which of course makes another mess all over the floor that I have to clean up. I finally breathe a sigh of relief, wash my hands for twenty minutes in scalding hot water, and go back to the toilet to flush it.

But guess what? The turd that looked like testicles? It’s so big it won’t flush down.

At this point I’ve invested so much time and energy and lost all of my pride, that I’m not going to give up now. So I reach in, break it up, and flush it down.

I know.

I scald my hands and wash furiously again but I don’t think at this point I’ll ever feel clean again.

I wash Olivia’s diapers and suit out and her body, get her all put back together, collect myself and head back to the pool.

We walk back to the water, Olivia jumps in happily and Matt looks at me and says…

“What took you so long?”

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34 responses to “The Grossest Poop Story Ever Told

  1. If you did not sit down for the day with a bottle of wine you should have. Bless you!

  2. You are the greatest. mom. ever. I would have LOST it!!! You rock, TT!!! Oh, and Matt’s comment at the end? That would’ve been my hubby, too!

  3. Sherri Williamson

    Wow! Really?I would have picked up my daughter and ran. Don’t you get tired of being responsible? You rock!

  4. Listen, first you had me at poop… Any good poop story is a funny one. I love it and soon you will be crying as you are laughing so hard about this. I have a few of my own gross stories and they involve adults! So no worries, You are awesome!

  5. OK, I shouldn’t have eaten breakfast b/f reading this… Have you seen those Zombie Apocalypse Survival Lists? I think you can guess where I’m going here… we need a list. Except, it doesn’t just happen once and it’s over. (sigh)

    You are a true hero.

    • Tiffany Townsend

      Yes I have seen those and we SO need a list! :) Have a great day!!Tiffanywww.elastamom.comOn Jul 25, 2012,

  6. I don’t even have words. I love that you have a sense of humour about this. My boys have have given me some great poop stories over the years and my friend jokes that if “poop issues” were an olympic sport I would be a gold medal winner. I’ll gladly take the silver to you on this one… you take the Gold with this story!!!

  7. What a story :) Is it weird if the whole time I was reading it, I was thinking “that’s EXACTLY what I would have done!” In fact, I’ve definitely reached my hand into a few toilets to avoid admitting I clogged them…

  8. What is it with our kids and GIANT turds? Seriously, my Olivia is only five years old but the size of her poop puts my husband to shame. We’re incredibly lucky these days that she’s telling us when she has to go and is going on the toilet but the times when she gets off the pot, looks down at her deposit and exclaims, “That’s a big one!” I wonder if it’s going to flush.

    You really are a hero here, not just because you managed to clean up the poop, break up the poop and clean your sweet poopie daughter, but because you didn’t strangle your husband when he asked you that question.

  9. I have no words. I started laughing when I was reading this, and then immediately felt guilty for laughing. Bless. Your. Heart.

  10. Oh my word. I think I would still be sitting in that bathroom just crying. You are such a good mommy!!!!

  11. O…M…G!!!! This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. I am so sorry you had to deal with that – it sounds like a nightmare! I would love to know how you replied to Matt – he’s lucky he doesn’t have a black eye after saying that… no one would have blamed you! :)

  12. there is a story in a david sedaris book that he admits to reaching into a toilet at a friend’s party to avoid having to tell anyone that he clogged the toilet. have you read it?

    this story is funny (probably only bc i wasn’t living it). you go girl!

    ps- matt’s comment at the end? such a man!

  13. Thanks again for making me laugh out loud in front of my computer. (I’m hoping you can laugh at the situation now.) For me, I think it’s really just a relief that I am not the only one that has dealt with this kind of blunder. Life is just not the same once you have to put your hand in the toliet.

    This story illustrates how much we love our kids and after all what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

  14. Oh I could see this scene. Every moment of it. And I altered between laughter and tears for you. Sadly I half expected you to go into the shower to gather Olivia and find more poop. I was so happy for you that that wasn’t the outcome! It helped me to smile more for you. It takes a brave woman to share this story. My hugs to you!

  15. Yeah I think you’ve had enough nerve wrecking panic to last through the year. The dirty truths mom’s don’t talk about!

  16. Oh. My. Goodness. I laughed until I cried! I’m just catching up on your blog after weeks of not being able to. Thanks for giving me a good laugh when I needed one. I can so relate to the poop, even though Erin is only 4. She doesn’t eat solids yet, so her blowouts can still be amazing. Hang in there!

  17. I swear to you, I’ve not laughed so hard in ages!!!! I know it’s not meant to be funny, but the way you told this story… and to an audience who has been there in one way or another… I just couldn’t help laughing aloud and crying my brains out at the same time! And here, I have pity parties after struggling with a 4 year old… in my own home… while he tries to get off the change table… and my hands are covered in poop! I usually think to myself, “I am probably the other mother in the world with poop on her hands so bad she needs to bathe for days!”

    You had me on the floor at the part where you slid on the floor. Could it have gotten any worse. Of course it did! You also had to break it up in the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A FREAKIN’ RIOT!!!!!

    I will be printing this and hiding it in a drawer for those days when I think I must be the only one! Seriously, cannot stop laughing….

    Thank you for this… and I really hope Matt read this post. That finaly question just had me cramped over!!!!!!!!!! You need to reconsider this title to read, “The Funniest Poop Story Ever Told”

  18. Oh, my goodness… the comments here are just as funny. Thanks for the laugh everyone! *wiping tears for days*

  19. Also, I’ve thought about those diapers. Is there a way to tear them on the side instead? I’m not on those larger sizes yet, and keep thinking what I”d do to get those off when we need to. Yikes. (and sorry for all the little typos above. I couldn’t see the screen with tears in my eyes!)

  20. I laughed so hard I was literally in tears by the time you got to doing the splits!! INCREDIBLE! This reminded me of Adam having an accident in the old Burnham building when he was in Pre-K…poop on the walls and the more I wiped it up the more it got all over so felt like I could somewhat relate. HANDS DOWN… You have my nomination for mother of the year award!!!

  21. Pingback: Piled | Elastamom's Excerpts

  22. I know that wasn’t the nicest story to tell, but I”m so glad you did. Memories like that, as crazy as they are, need to be shared! Sorry that was such a struggle. Goes to show what we are willing to do as parents :)

  23. Pingback: Desperately seeking: Authenticity | It is Well…with my Soul

  24. Okay, you win the poop Olympics. I do hope that when you did the splits you also did the gymnastic dismount jazz hands.

  25. Tiffany – you had me laughing so hard I was crying! Caitlin wears those same swim diapers and we had a very similar bathroom experience swimming at a resort on vacation recently. I waited in the stall until the coast was clear to dart into the showers with Caitlin . Thank you for keeping me thinking and laughing with you!

  26. Tiffany – I think you are the most amazing mom (and woman) I ever “met” – that fact that you didn’t kill Matt with your bare hands just confirms it! Thanks so much for sharing this!

  27. OH I am sorry to admit to laughing so much I am struggling to breathe here. You are the gold star of mums everywhere for this, not just managing like you did on the day but for seeing enough of the funny side to share.
    OMG! Best/worst poop story EVER!

  28. Oh my. Goodness. I’ll have to say, you handled it better than I would have, I think.

  29. Good thing yo are so darn tenacious. I wonder if scissors would work (the kind you use to cut off a cast) to cut the sides of the swim diaper.

    Thanks for sharing your story. You are right. It is pretty gross. :D

  30. Best last line ever! Gah!

  31. CRINGING!!! You win! You win the best (worst) poop story ever on earth. I pray I never have to reach into a toilet and break up poop with my bare hands. Ever.

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