Rough Patches

Every now and then, I have a really bad Olivia’s Mom day. It usually happens when I least expect it which makes it worse. If she’s going to a birthday party, or a school event, I prepare myself for the fact that she’s different and might get overwhelmed and behave in a way that is upsetting and exhausting.

The worst ones are when I don’t see it coming. Saturday was one of those days.

We went to see Sesame Street Live with friends and my Mom and we were both so excited for it. She acted like a total pill—-crying, pinching, kicking, screaming. She was really upset, which made me really upset. Towards the end of the show I figured out that she was mad because she wanted to hug and dance with the characters. Elmo wasn’t paying attention to her and she was pissed.

It’s not important, really, what happened or why she was upset because she was fine. My Mom and I calmed her down, she enjoyed herself and it wasn’t that bad…for her. But it was one of the roughest days I’ve had in a while as far as being her Mom goes. Sometimes it just hits you. Hard.

She’s disabled. She doesn’t act like a normal 11-year-old. It’s difficult, really difficult, being her Mom sometimes. She’s exhausting. Watching the little typical 2-year-old girls dance and sing and know that, more than likely, they’ll grow up without issues, and you wish that your precious girl would have had that chance too. Then you remember that it’s not just a phase, it’s going to be like this forever, and you become despondent. At least I do. And then I have horrible guilt over these feelings. Because I love her more than anything in the world. Just the way she is. I don’t know how I’d survive without her. But the feelings are real and I felt them and it makes me feel terrible.

But it passes. It does. I get a hug from Matt and he tells me it will be ok. I cry with my friend and somehow she gets it…even though she doesn’t have a child with special needs. I hug Olivia tighter, tell her I love her and know that tomorrow will be a different day. I remind myself that it’s really ok, and probably normal, to have these feelings…it’s really ok to have a rough patch.

I love her dearly, she knows it, and that’s all that matters.

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11 responses to “Rough Patches

  1. This is really good, tiff and REAL. In my current role I see parents go thru this all the time. Sometimes parents are pretty open about sharing and others seem to not know how to explain their feelings, but you can tell. Just know you are human, a mother and should embrace the roller coaster ride of feelings concerning our children.

  2. I have the rough patches too. I do think it’s normal. I have them for the same reason, when Taylor is melting down and I just feel overwhelmed after dealing with this for 16 years and see no end in sight. I love her dearly, but it can be challenging.

    I also have a rough patch at times like last week when all the girls her age were going to Prom. All my friends were posting Prom pictures, and I couldn’t help but think, if Taylor did not have Cri du Chat she would be going to Prom too. Sometimes things like that hit me like a ton of bricks. Other times I’m fine, and they really don’t bother me. Life is, how it is.

    I get it, rough patches and all. Your not alone.

  3. This post made me appreciate you even more. I’d have a hard time relating to a mom (especially a mom with the challenges you face) who doesn’t feel this from time to time. Being a parent is HARD. I can only imagine how much harder it can be to be a parent to child who has special needs. The heartache for her and for you just has to get overwhelming sometimes. What I have learned is that our kids and other people appreciate us more when we are authentic, when we feel what we feel, and then model how to move through it gracefully. Thank you so much for sharing this.

  4. I totally relate. Most days are fine, and then every so often, wham! It’s mostly when I look into the future.

    And a special thank you to the friends who don’t have kids with special needs yet totally understand. I have one of those, too.

  5. Have I ever told you how much I love your authentic heart? Deepens my connection I feel to you. I love you Tiff!

    And definitely not any disrespect to the tone of a rough day, but I laughed so hard over the reason why Olivia was so pissed off!!! What a funny girl!

  6. You’re not alone! I’ve been there… and back. You are a great mom and Olivia is lucky to have you :)

  7. Oh, sweetie, I wish I could hug you right now! I feel that way sometimes and I am not dealing with special needs. You are amazing and your daughter knows you love her. Some days are hard and it is definitely not fair but I know that Olivia is blessed to have you, specifically you, as her mom.

    Stay strong, my friend. You are mighty and you are loved!
    :
    xoxo
    Traci

  8. Melanie Sheppard

    You are always speaking my language!!! I get it – I’m with you!!! and Traci is right, you are loved :)

  9. Awww, big bugs to your girl! It’s so hard when those moments sneak up on you. And while they pass it’s so hard when they happen…I am thinking of you. Xo

  10. Wow.. I know exactly how you feel! I have started to experience those rough patches. Although Sophie is only three it’s starting. The hardest for me right now is playdates or parties. When the reality that she is not a typical 3 yr old and will start to pull or bite or become so upset and jelous if her brother is ignoring her to be with the other kids. I wonder how I will cope in five years, it scares me but I know I will make it thorugh. I only wish my husband would get it a little more. Your lucky you have Matt and your mom to help you through it!

  11. Pingback: One Year Ago | Elastamom's Excerpts

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