I look at that quote and I cry. I cry fat, hot tears because I want to look at that at the end of the day and say “YES, damn it, I was enough today and every day.” But that rarely happens.
Instead I think about the argument I had with Gabe and how I’m not handling his encroaching adolescence very well. I’m ill-prepared for his emotional ups and downs that apparently come with being almost-10. He burst into tears last night because his new sheets were still itchy after I washed them and I got pissed. Why on earth was he freaking out over sheets? And why does he think they’re so itchy? And couldn’t he please have this meltdown at 5 or 6 p.m. when I still have a little left to give instead of 8:30 p.m. when I’m D-O-N-E. I worry about him; I must make him an appointment with a therapist soon. But guess what? I haven’t yet because I haven’t taken the time to figure out where we can go with our insurance or who is good or blah-blah-blah. I just need to do it. For me too.
I feel bad because Matthew lost another tooth tonight (his third in a week) and I’m out of glitter (still) for pixie dust. He writes the tooth fairy a sweet note and I barely write back. He’s got another really loose one so I’ll make up for it next time. Maybe. If I can get to the store AND remember glitter. Are there any quarters anywhere? I’m not sure. He asked for a present this time…just something small…because he thinks it will be cool. I guess quarters will have to be enough.
I haven’t practiced Olivia’s new spelling words with her at all this week. But she has been outside playing instead of watching TV so I’ll take it. She’s been emotional lately too. I think I’ve got two adolescents on my hands. How am I going to handle that?
Matt’s so overwhelmed and tired and stressed and I don’t know how to help. I usually am so supportive and do whatever I can to help, but lately I just get irritated and angry. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been his #1 fan and cheerleader for months now. Who knew cheerleading was so exhausting?
I made the fun mistake of looking at my ass in the mirror yesterday. You know where you hold a mirror behind you and look at the mirror in front of you? I guess I felt like being extra tortured. It looks like the before picture I just saw in the Brazilian Butt Lift infomercial this morning. Not good. But for today, it’s got to be ok. I don’t have any more energy to worry about that. Luckily for me bathing suit season is 3 months away. There’s still time.
I just don’t feel like I’m enough. Ever. And that, I know, is terrible. It’s an awful feeling and it’s not true. I am enough. I know it rationally in my head and yet I can’t get over the feeling that weighs me down every day that I need to be more. I love my kids with all my heart and they know it. Matt is my soulmate and my world and he knows it. My house isn’t the cleanest, the laundry’s not folded (ever), I get annoyed, I lose my temper, I get grouchy. But I am enough. And sooner or later, before it covers me like a thick, weighted blanket that I can get out from underneath, I need to realize it too.