Enough

I look at that quote and I cry. I cry fat, hot tears because I want to look at that at the end of the day and say “YES, damn it, I was enough today and every day.” But that rarely happens.

Instead I think about the argument I had with Gabe and how I’m not handling his encroaching adolescence very well. I’m ill-prepared for his emotional ups and downs that apparently come with being almost-10. He burst into tears last night because his new sheets were still itchy after I washed them and I got pissed. Why on earth was he freaking out over sheets? And why does he think they’re so itchy? And couldn’t he please have this meltdown at 5 or 6 p.m. when I still have a little left to give instead of 8:30 p.m. when I’m D-O-N-E. I worry about him; I must make him an appointment with a therapist soon. But guess what? I haven’t yet because I haven’t taken the time to figure out where we can go with our insurance or who is good or blah-blah-blah. I just need to do it. For me too.

I feel bad because Matthew lost another tooth tonight (his third in a week) and I’m out of glitter (still) for pixie dust. He writes the tooth fairy a sweet note and I barely write back. He’s got another really loose one so I’ll make up for it next time. Maybe. If I can get to the store AND remember glitter. Are there any quarters anywhere? I’m not sure. He asked for a present this time…just something small…because he thinks it will be cool. I guess quarters will have to be enough.

I haven’t practiced Olivia’s new spelling words with her at all this week. But she has been outside playing instead of watching TV so I’ll take it. She’s been emotional lately too. I think I’ve got two adolescents on my hands. How am I going to handle that?

Matt’s so overwhelmed and tired and stressed and I don’t know how to help. I usually am so supportive and do whatever I can to help, but lately I just get irritated and angry. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been his #1 fan and cheerleader for months now. Who knew cheerleading was so exhausting?

I made the fun mistake of looking at my ass in the mirror yesterday. You know where you hold a mirror behind you and look at the mirror in front of you? I guess I felt like being extra tortured. It looks like the before picture I just saw in the Brazilian Butt Lift infomercial this morning. Not good. But for today, it’s got to be ok. I don’t have any more energy to worry about that. Luckily for me bathing suit season is 3 months away. There’s still time.

I just don’t feel like I’m enough. Ever. And that, I know, is terrible. It’s an awful feeling and it’s not true. I am enough. I know it rationally in my head and yet I can’t get over the feeling that weighs me down every day that I need to be more. I love my kids with all my heart and they know it. Matt is my soulmate and my world and he knows it. My house isn’t the cleanest, the laundry’s not folded (ever), I get annoyed, I lose my temper, I get grouchy. But I am enough. And sooner or later, before it covers me like a thick, weighted blanket that I can get out from underneath, I need to realize it too.

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17 responses to “Enough

  1. You’re definitely enough! You sound overwhelmed and tired (and rightly so), but you’re enough.

    — and your honesty here, your openness, is a breath of fresh air.

  2. Mom’s are the hardest on themselves. And many of us are just wired to take care of everyone and everything!!! Gabe is lucky that you care enough to wash the sheets to make them soft and know they will soften with wear. Matthew is fortunate to have a mom that wants to make everyone’s milestone’s special. Olivia is blessed to have a momma that knows going outside is good for the soul and that spelling is a small part of in the scheme of things. And for you to realize Matt’s state of mind and want to still cheerlead (even though you have “had it) is to be admired….

    Lately, I have really been seeking authenticity….in myself and others. I love that you tell it like it is. You are human….not “elastamom” LOL

    Today is a new day, my friend. You are MORE than enough! Peace and blessings and a hug :)

  3. Oh how I feel this. Most days I want to curl up in a corner because of the crappy mom, friend, spouse, employee that I’ve been. But without the bad there can be no good… At least that’s what I tell myself. Hugs to you. You are enough and then some.

  4. I feel the same way a lot of the time. Hugs to you, mama. We are enough. Beautiful post!

  5. You are definitely MORE than enough. You’re not only a great wife and mom, you are such a great help to all of us who read your blog!
    I had such a crappy day yesterday, and I am striving to remember that today is a new start…
    J. bumped her face on the bus to school and got a fat lip. They didn’t have her in the 5-pt. seatbelt restraint she’s supposed to have. Then the school nurse called and told me “it is time” to get J. on anti-anxiety meds. Great. I had to take her to the doctor and she had some blood drawn. You know that was fun.
    It was 80 deg. out, so I thought I’d use the grill for dinner – but the charcoal was damp, so it took forever to start. Then I started cooking and realized I was out of the crucial ingredient, so I ran to the store. Thought I finally had things under control, so I poured a glass of wine and put the meat on the grill and sat down, just as a lightning storm blew in! I opened an umbrella and it cut a deep gash in my thumb, so I didn’t get to go lap swimming, which I NEED to do.
    My husband says, look on the bright side: J. wasn’t run over by the bus, and you didn’t amputate your finger, and dinner turned out fine. I guess I need a cheerleader sometimes. But I can see that it wouldn’t work so well if we were both stressed at the same time!
    Here’s to better days ahead.

  6. babe, I will totally take a picture of my ass and send it to you to make you feel better…
    because I know that mine is way saggier and funkier than yours…
    and you are enough

  7. LOL, Holly!
    Every time I take off my jeans and see the backside of them, I think, nuh-uh. My butt cannot possibly be as big as these jeans look right now. It just can’t.

  8. I soooo know this feeling! Between IEP season, allergy season, and my car forgetting how to drive to the gym, I am one grouchy mess!! At least I match my hot mess of a home, so that’s where I’ve been hibernating. Admitting I can’t do it all is very hard for me. I’m trying to get over it but it feels like I’m admitting failure. Why do we allow our unrealistic emotional side override our logical realistic side? Damn you estrogen and your whole hormonal gang!! I know I’m blessed to have great friends to reassure me when I need it and a wonderful husband and kids who, hopefully, understand Mommies not
    Crazy and this to shall pass.

  9. i needed to read this today. because today i have felt decidedly NOT enough. for anyone or anything.

  10. Oh Tiffany, how our moods some days are so on par with each other. We had a rough day today in our house, too. Perhaps the unseasonably warm weather has something to do with it. Or maybe the lack of sleep because we can’t stop thinking and get to sleep at night. I think you are AMAZING, you deal with more in 1 day than many people deal with in their whole life. If one day you can’t be supermom, that’s fine, we won’t take away your cape. ;o)

  11. I am here from the “just write” link and I know just how you feel. Sometimes it is so hard to do everything that at the end of the day all we can think about is what we didn’t do. I do it all the time. We are our own worst enemy. Just know you are not alone. Great post. :)

  12. Sounds like a perfect night to get some good cheese to go with our wine and sit out in this beautiful evening air. :) Because that’s what these exhausted mommies need sometimes.

  13. Been there. *hugs* It’s like I look back and see all that I *didn’t* do and what I *should* be doing. And it sucks, sucks, sucks. Stupid pessimism. You’re awesome. Just know that.

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