Despair

***To catch up on this Flashback Series, check out the Flashback page at the top***

She went home and cried. Cried. Cried. Got angry at the universe for taking her sweet little angel from Her. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? Why me? Why us? Why would the universe not want Her to be a mother? Why?

She slept for days because that was the only time that She didn’t feel. If She slept, She was at peace. If She was awake, She ached in every fiber of her being to have that little one be alive again. Every time She went to the bathroom and saw the blood instead of nothing, She was reminded of her baby. Her baby that was now gone. Gone. Gone.

Her Mom and Sister took Her out to lunch to try and make Her feel better. At first it helped a little, but then the waiter asked Her if She’d like some coffee and She started to sob. She had missed drinking coffee so much while She was pregnant, but She would have given up coffee for the rest of Her life to have Her baby back. She didn’t want coffee. She didn’t want anything. She just wanted Her baby.

She took a few days off of work but knew She had to go back. She knew if would be beyond difficult; everyone at the high school where She taught knew what had happened. Her students had some clue and would definitely want to know where She had been for 5 days; She never missed school. She dug deep, found the courage and went back to work.

It was harder than She anticipated. All of the “I’m sorrys” and the pity looks and the people who avoided Her because they didn’t know what to say. One of Her students came up to Her before class, a freshman boy, and said “We missed you. I’m glad you’re back.” It seemed as if he knew by the way he was looking at Her. She smiled through Her tears and said “Thank you for that.” Another student stopped after class to ask where She had been and was very sympathetic. The teenagers were turning out to be more helpful than the adults.

Many people sent flowers to express their sympathy; this made it feel like a funeral. Nothing made Her feel better but She made it through. Weeks passed by and She slowly got Her smile back; but Her smile never really reached all the way to Her eyes. She missed Her baby; She so desperately wanted to be a mother. Major events passed that She was planning on being pregnant for or being a new Mom for; these were extremely difficult. To think that on your 24th birthday you would be a mother, and then to have it come and be alone was beyond painful. The first Mother’s Day that passed without being a mother made Her weep.

He was concerned about his wife. He didn’t understand Her pain. He was sad about losing the baby too, but He hadn’t had the baby inside of Him. He wasn’t in love with the baby yet like She was. He was confident it would happen again. He didn’t know what to do to help Her.

She was trying desperately to get pregnant. It had been 9 months since She lost Her angel; to Her it felt like 9 years. It seemed like the world was booming with pregnant women; they were everywhere. She had to stop watching any TV show with a pregnant woman; She stopped reading tabloids because She couldn’t handle reading about another starlet who got pregant without “meaning to”.

She went to the ob/gyn to see what She could do; the doctor told Her to be patient. The doctor said if She wasn’t pregnant by the one year mark, they’d start looking into options. She called a fertility specialist and scheduled an appointment for 3 months later. She told herself She would try and move on and not worry about it for the next 3 months; She was getting obsessed and could think of nothing else but having a baby. It was not healthy and obviously was not helping. She made the appointment and tried to let it go.

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9 responses to “Despair

  1. That is the worst! The ticking timeline. The date sitting out there. Waiting and watching everyone else move on with their plans. For some it seems so easy. When it’s you, it seems so hard.

  2. This was me. Word for word. 14 years ago. After 6 months I thought another moment of grief might just kill me.

    And now we have 3 also

  3. Anyone who’s ever lost a baby can sympathize so much. And isn’t it odd how sometimes young people can deal with things in a more straightforward manner than adults?

  4. I truly felt your pain in this post. Must be hard to relive.

  5. I am glad that I know how this story turns out, because my heart is aching for this girl right now!
    The pain never goes away, it only dulls and I am so sorry for that!

  6. You stirred up so many feelings from my own infertility and loss. Heartwrenching post. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

  7. I’m really touched that you are sharing such a difficult experience. Thank you.

  8. My husband and I have tried to get pregnant for 5 years now…the one thing I can’t stand is when someone tells me they didn’t “mean to.”

  9. You can’t leave it here. Can we have a Flashback Tuesday?

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