Gone

***To catch up on this Flashback series, click the link at the top. ***

She wasn’t sure She would ever be ok. She had lost their baby. It was her fault, of that she was sure. Even though she had done everything by the book, She was sure She had missed something. How could this happen? She couldn’t stop crying; She was sure now that She would never be a mother.

The doctor scheduled her for surgery the following morning. The doctor had wanted to wait until Monday but She couldn’t stand the thought of her dead baby inside her for an entire weekend. As much as She didn’t want the baby to go, She knew it would be harder to hold on for any longer.

She arrived at the hosptial; She was devastated at how impersonal the nurses treated her at check-in. Didn’t they know her whole world had just stopped? How could they be so cold and treat her as if this was a routine appointment? Thank God her husband and her Mom were there. The one nurse even yelled at her when She went back for pre-op because She didn’t know how to put on the maxi-pad belt that She had to wear while She was waiting to go back to surgery. She put her clothes in the cold, metal locker and felt as though She would never be ok again. She felt so alone.

They came to get her for the surgery. This nurse was lovely. She had kind eyes and a warm smile. She held her hand and explained the procedure. The doctor came in and had her sign papers saying it was ok to remove the “fetal material”; She winced. Fetal material? This was my son, my daughter, for God’s sake. Didn’t anybody understand?

Finally it was time for surgery. There were so many people in the room. It was so bright. She just wanted it to be over. She wanted to go back 24 hours and have there be a heartbeat. She wanted her baby. The anesthesiologist turned around while she removed her maxi-pad belt; this made her laugh inside because he was obviously going to see everything in just a few minutes…but it made her feel better nonetheless. She lay down on the table and the nurse with the kind eyes held her hand again. The nurse asked her to count back from ten; as She was going under She heard the nurse say “Oh my, this is so sad.” It comforted her to know that this nurse understood her pain. She was under.

The next thing She knew She was waking up and was freezing cold. They put warming blankets on her and called her husband back. He held her while She cried. Their baby was gone.

Gone.

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16 responses to “Gone

  1. Thank you for sharing this story. I lost my first baby with a ruptured tubal pregnancy and I remember the moment, a few days later, when I realized what happened. I was heartbroken, and I felt guilty. I tried to apologize to my husband for taking his baby away, but he just kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault. I knew that I didn’t do anything to cause this, but I still felt guilty because it was my body that did it.

    So sorry for your loss…

  2. I missed last weeks. I’m so glad you have the flashbacks so easy to find. Now I’m caught up.

    What a difficult first step toward motherhood…so close yet so far away. Losing that first baby must have validated your fear that you would never have children of your own. I’m so glad that nightmare in the end did not come true.

  3. Sending big hugs and prayers of comfort you ways. I imagine that writing this brings you right back to that horrible place. Thankfully you have three beautiful kiddos to squeeze and help remind you what an amazing mom you are.

  4. Aww, sweetie. I’m sorry you had a crusty, mean nurse at first. Why can’t they see how traumatic the situation is?

  5. Every time I think of this time, I hate that I wasn’t around for you. It was so sad, and I know you were so devastated, and I had no idea how to help you, and i was so far away. I wish I had been there to kick that first nurse’s ass.
    Love you Sis!

  6. What a sad day. It’s a good reminder to be kind to everyone we meet. That nurse should have taken a job where she didn’t need to interact with people–how horrible!

    I miscarried between Tom and Sam, on Dale’s birthday. It was such a bleak day. Samuel (which means “asked of God” in Hebrew) is the most amazing blessing, but I still think about that other little person that might have been.

  7. Oh my. My stomach jumped. My heart is in my throat. My insides are all out of sorts. Such a sad, sad story – such a tragic, beyond difficult experience. Hugs to you, dear sweet Elastamom.

  8. Sending you love and thanking you for sharing this story.

  9. What an amazing story my friend! You bring tears to my eyes and what great stories/memoirs for your own book someday. I think your kids would love to read your story when they are older ;-)

  10. I don’t know what to say. Thanks for sharing. Though your story is sad your words are beautiful and full of love. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad God gave you three more blessings with one special one to watch over them.

  11. Thank you for sharing, there are no words to describe your loss but I am so glad you put it out there to help comfort others and to put your feelings down. Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest.

  12. I am so glad that you had people around that cared about you!!

  13. This brought tears to my eyes.

    Why is it that a nurse can make or break a situation? I’m glad you didn’t have to deal with the first one the entire time.

  14. {{Hugs}} When you described that cold feeling after the surgery… I could feel it. I know what you mean. So difficult. God bless that nurse that showed compassion.

  15. I don’t know how you have the strength to write this but I’m so glad that you can sare this. You are one strong woman.

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